Inner Self Exposed

I seem to hate myself the most when I am alone, I think I have come so far... yet it's my metaphoric brains I wish to blow. There is so much I want to accomplish, but so much more I need to let go. My loneliness and depression kill me the most, but with my smile you would never know. I can't connect with others because my walls keep me enclosed. I miss the way I used to be, positive, optimistic with an outlook on the world that was so pretty. I am always feeling like I am at the bottom, struggling to make it...but again I get down to the nitty gritty. Labeled a pretty boy, but I feel so ugly. Others praise my talent, but it is through my gifted curse I repent. I want to be able to connect on something permanent not just on a dream or love that was lent. You get hopes up because the space for a body next to you is vacant. I am better when I am moving, I am the most destructive when I lay low, I get my occasional invites out but I never seem to go. I wish I could be prideful in myself and in my abilities but then you get cut for being arrogant and cocky. If you could see what I am doing wrong, will you tell me please?, because this cloud around me is truly blinding.