Inside is cold and outside is hazy

Today is the day that I once again realized 

That I am alone and not at all alone

Inside is too cold because the heater only works sometimes

Outside is too cold and the sun isn't bright enough

I constantly check my phone to find no new messages

And as much as I know this does not define my aloneness 

The part of me that says that it does is yelling at me so violently 

She got all the power once I got overwhelmed 

She comes back at least once a month to check in

To make sure that I remember who I used to be

To make sure I don't completely forget the feelings I constantly fought

I was so happy for a few months

She left me alone and let me thrive 

But then a lot happened and she remembered where I was

Sent a letter in the mail as fast as she could with overnight delivery

Inside is too cold because the extra energy is gone

Windows are closed but the warmth somehow escapes 

Outside is overwhelming and the sun makes the haze appear louder

I will sit in a public space to remind myself that I am not alone

Buy myself some coffee and chocolate and remember that it will all be okay

Sit by the window so the warmth barely grazes my skin

Forget the fact that there are scissors at home 

And repress the things she tells me to do with them 

Remember that there is a stronger me inside who can fight with her 

Inside is too cold because sometimes I forget to press the right buttons 

Outside is too cold but it is out of my hands 

All I can do is remember my self-concept

Replace the old old me with the more recent old me and chang her again 

Because the present is unstable and inconsistent 

Inside will get less cold 

Outside will grow warmer 

It may take time but I can wait