Inside My Minds Eye

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Had to close my room door because my thoughts were too loud, Or maybe …….because I’m too proud. Sometimes I refuse help from the ones I love the most sometimes I push close friends to the point where they aren’t so c l o s e. These aren’t your average thoughts—whimsical mind games, Often time I ponder on what I’d lose or maybe what I’d gain From decisions that I’d make before they’re rashly made, before I do something I regret and this life begins to become something I’d rather trade For some temporary pleasure or ephemeral joy--a person I’ll forget about in 10 years like an old toy. Maybe tomorrow I’ll open my door, maybe tomorrow will be the day ____________________________________________________________ I ignore the fear of what lies outside these walls, or what lies inside these walls. _____________________________________________________________ Is it them I’m afraid of or is it really me, Afraid of what I could or could not be. Afraid of what they might or might not think of me. Afraid to take a chance—put my heart on the line, Afraid I’ll push someone on the opposite side of the fine line Between love and hate Or is it a gate that I’ll make them open? The key to my heart is in my possession but no one knows it. All this time I’ve been looking for someone who will love me when I’ve refused to give them the key— For fear that it will unleash—all that I have and will keep— In my heart of full capacity. Noroomfortheirlove or desire to make me happy. No. No room. No room at all. That room which keeps me is in fact no room at all. It is my heart that I have closed for fear of penetration, Fear of rejection and judgment, fear of someone’s adoration. Because I f I let them in they’ll see what a mess I’ve made. Anger, confusion, rage—perhaps the only thing in the room that is tucked away— Forgiveness. A precious gift that I don’t allow anyone to receive, not even myself, for locking away my heart from everyone except myself.

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patrice.crosby.5

Writing from the inside of my mind with my heart.

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