internal fight

All alone and so very lost 
All I've done with such high costs
Trying to make up for the past
Not sure of how much longer I can last 

Feelings that tare my insides apart 
Wishing I could just have a restart 
To go back and fix the mistakes that i made
To have all this gut wrenching pain just fade 

It hurts to the point that I welcome death
Waiting for the hour where I'll take my last breath
No longer caring for the world that I'm in 
Only wishing for my life to just come to and end 

The sinful thoughts I have about a way out
And all the words that I've begun to scream and shout 
I know that I can't fix what I've done back then 
And it doesn't help to be reminded day out and in 

I hate myself more than i could ever express
For putting everyone and myself through the pain and the stress 
My vocabulary seems to comprise of my new state 
Such as Anger and sadness and ever lasting hate 

I try to pretend like I'm ok and moved on 
But honestly speaking I was never that strong 
If I was then I wouldn't have got into this mess
And Instead of all the lies I would have confessed 

I shouldn't have thought that it was ever ok
To go down a path that lead me far away 
Away to the dark and forgetting my way back
I should have strode down the sunshine path 

But now I'm left to deal with my choice 
And somehow it seems I've lost my voice 
I can't figure out who I am anymore 
I'm against my self in an internal war

I don't want pity I just want to be free
But I guess that I don't deserve to be 
I could blame it on others I could say it wasn't my fault 
But we know who pulled the trigger and made this life come to halt 

You see I just want to be able to sleep at night 
Not tossing and turning being in a subconscious fight
Although I'm not in a cell, in the dark for eternity 
I'm still all alone and I'll never be free 

I can not say I'm sorry I was ever caught 
For you see I'm sorry that I never fought
Fought for the person I know I really can be 
Instead I let her die and committed murder on the second degre