intertwined

Querido,

this morning at about five AM

a jolt of thunder rattled my broken bedroom window

so loudly it woke my brother and i

my first thought was of you, i know you don’t like storms.

i realized later that it probably wasn’t even storming where you are

(Distance.)

it feels so strange to hear the voice in my head refer to you as that bitch.

Then again, it also feels weird to see the round image that represents your virtual presence

hovering, leaving not a single footprint message explanation acknowledgement

So there’s that.

i just wanted to understand, you know?

You’re always so scared to... let me have anything... more than the tip of the iceberg

i guess you forgot i enjoy your particular brand of hypothermia

--Or perhaps you misremembered it as an affinity for cold indifference?

but i suppose it was clever you ignored me. Otherwise i’m not sure i’d ever choose anger

except for towards myself, of course.

this way i can blame you

what else is there for me to think, after all?

as far as i can tell i was a few hundred days of

entertainment, affectionate support

paid for in flowery fallacies and thin reassurances

(somewhere along the way i stopped worrying about checking for watermarks, while you got bored with counterfeiting love)

i’ve thought a lot about what i’d say to you

(y’know, if you were talking to me)

the common theme is seeing if i can make you feel guilty

See, you’re afraid of commitment and i’m afraid of how

my impact on you was so much less than yours on me

like, were (are) you even upset?

Or will you go around telling people (again) that you’ve never had anything serious?

i myself show plenty of marks but

mostly you inspired me

carpe diem, carpe imperium, carpe potestatem

i sketched so many scenes

wrote down ideas for prose and verse(i love most your laugh and how careful, considerate you always are were seemed)

added “be hotter than” this or that famous woman with thick thighs or arms to all my to-do lists

i collected music that i still haven’t re-approached

i’ll never let you have the howling sinner or the singers of my childhood, but i’m scared to return all the same, lest i’m haunted by water and

a skull-and-bones scarf and sun

“Intertwined” is a word i had to ‘learn’ for school, meaning twisted together, linked closely.

like you with the most important year of my life so far.

I guess that’s howcome you’re able to wake me up at five in the morning just in time to hear thunder shake my bedroom window.

love, honeybee