This Isn't For You

I can't bring myself to write a poem about love for you
Because I know you don't want one
And because I know emotions are fleeting
And that you don't want mine
Even though they're there
Because I've already laid them in front of you
The way a designer lays out tile
Hours of tedious work
And they forget that their effort
Only gets stepped on and
Forgotten
Taken for granted
And only noticed when it's gone
If even then

I want to write my love for you
Immortalize it in ink
So I can savor the emotion
The joy, the pain, the happiness, the hurt
And reflect on it
And fantasize about it
But I won't because it would be
More trouble than it's worth
And this is why you don't trust poets with
Feelings
Because we already knew that this would 
Happen at some point
And it hurts all the more
Even if it's self inflicted
And it's also why we tend to be
Clingy and
Overbearing
Because we take what we can before it's gone.
And we try to absorb everything, like the way my
Heart skips a beat at the sight of you
And how I soak up your presence like a sponge
To try and keep some around for later
And the nervous mess I become when I talk
In fear of your response

I won't say how I could watch you all day
Just watching you being you
Because it's not worth remembering
I won't mention the shudders and tingles I get
When your fingers brush my skin
Or the warmth that spreads when you lay with me
In the most innocent sense of the word
Or the overwhelming rush when your lips meet mine
Or the way your hands feel in my hair
And at the hollow of my throat
Threatening yet comforting at the same time
Because I could trust you
And I felt as if I had given you a razor blade and a map of my heart
Marked with the places most vulnerable
But you didn't realize what I had given
And for some reason I'm okay with that
Even though I shouldn't be

You played me the same way you play your drum
With raw power and passion
With emotion and fire and flare
But with no control or restraint
Or regard for the condition you leave it in
And then you wonder later why it
Doesn't quite sound right
And why it's dented and torn
Because it was just fine when you played it last
But I love to watch
And I want to do the same
But with the caution
And awareness that you forget

That's why I'm not writing this poem for you
It's not about remorse
Or regrets
Or what I wanted
It's not even about what you've done
It's about what you didn't
It's about the moments you don't remember
Because you had to much to drink
When you said things that
Felt so good they hurt
It's about the things you didn't tell me
About your own feelings
Because emotions are weakness
(And don't tell me they aren't because we're
Terrified of pain
And being taken advantage of)
Even though I served mine on a silver platter
For your sake
It's about the hole in my heart
That I no longer have the desire to fill
Because I thought you might fill it
Or that it might fill itself with you
This poem is for me
And for my peace of mind
And it's about how I can't bring myself
To write a poem about love for you
Because I know you don't want one
But I do