It feels like my fault and it isn't remotely.

these days,
i find myself apologizing more and more
as if each sorry
 
fixes the world
absorbs the problems
absolves people of their crimes.
 
often times,
these sorries aren’t for me.
they’re for everyone else,
 
and at the end of the day,
i have run out of sorries for me.

i have this unending hate for myself and my actions
and i cant let it go.
 
i cant erase my errors
or forgive myself for them.
 
they are my fault 
they are my mistakes
and they hurt me the most.
 
it isnt that someone hurts me
or that they wronged me
they get off the hook.
 
but often times
i hurt myself.
i make mistakes
 
and all my forgiveness
has gone towards absolving people
that there’s none to absolve me.
 
I’m still learning
i will make mistakes
but i need to learn to save some forgiveness for me
 
because it’s my life.