It hurts to look at him

It hurts to look at him.

It leads me to avert my gaze entirely.

I wish I could talk to him, but I’m scared.

After a week, he has barely acknowledged my existence.

Only returning my tags. Even then, it was only seven words

He has no say in my actions, and he knows it.

He can speak but I won’t give in, I'll stand my ground. 

Here is my forefront on the battle for tranquility.

I wish I could have seen number seven, but that would have been too much.

I don’t know why I still care. He’s happy, so I should be too.

That’s what I used to say anyway. If he was happy, so was I. 

I don’t get it. I should be happy, I’m free to do as I please. So why?

Why does he still play such a role on me.

Is it because only four days before we were smiling like idiots, cuddling?

Because he wore the scarf I gave him nine days after?

Is it because I became so used to having him there, that now I lay awake remembering the small details?

I have no effing clue, but if I knew why I would be at peace.

I could cut the “Red string among our pinkies” for good. 

I should have. I knew he wanted to leave, I should have been the one to end it all.

We wasted so much time on one another. I feel I wasted more.

I stood my ground against my father.

Refusing to move to the one place I ever planned to go. 

Doing hours of research for a single gift. Taking interest in his own. Moomin

I was going to bake a cake when it happened, so I baked. His favorite

I baked in spite, as to say “ I don’t need you ”.

That may be true, but I do need him.

He made so many of my memories. My trips, my hobbies, my work.

He made so much of it. Now it’s all coming down like Notre-Dame in the fire.

Of course he’s been so many of the fires in my life. First he tears down my past, and now my present. Leaving me to helplessly build a wall of my insecurities.
“They’re all staring, They’re all Laughing, He hates me. I’ve wronged so many people”, he stopped all of this and like that, he rebuilt it. I will tear down these walls in time, but for now they stand strong, growing higher and thicker. 

It's a nightmare, shaking nervously when he’s around, having restricted view, racing thoughts. Being played.

Knowing that only two weeks before, I told him he was my only reason to stay in this trash heap. The first thing I’ve ever taken seriously. It hurts. So much. But I’m being weak. So I must hide behind a mask, Lying and laughing. Smiling and singing. Partying and planning.

Afterall, I have so many plans gone for new ones, I should be celebrating.

I will try and celebrate.