Is it really "love"?

“Because I love you” she says as she swipes the donut I was about to devour

“I don’t want to see you get fat” then she commands me to go outside for an hour

While I remained perplexed in my place

She pinched my cheeks and said “just look at your chubby face”

Instilled in my mind as a 3rd grader were these fundamental truths: I was a girl, I was 8,

and I was obese

So every time I tried on a pair of new pants I hoped “let them fit, dear lord, please”

She claims that she is concerned about my weight

However, her words mock instead of motivate

She believes I shouldn't weigh any more than 130 as a female

But i’m just a kid I can't control the numbers on the scale

I felt as if i’d never fit the shoes of the slim princess from the fairy tale

This is my mother; she should love me regardless

Of whether I weigh more or less

If she truly loved me she would show me more kindness

I felt that this was an unhealthy relationship, but I digress

However it’s not just my mother that used “love” to cover up her disapproval

My aunts slid me pamphlets for weight loss removal

I constantly heard the murmurs under their breath from my closest of kin

Their criticism enveloped all of my body like an extra layer of skin

It’s even worse at school when not even your classmates can overlook it

Wondering where my confidence went? Well they shook it

Their words were inscribed in my brain with permanent black ink

If only I wasn’t overweight; I repeat; I wish; I think

Persistent with their terrorizing taunts

I can not seem to escape the rude remarks

Which is what they want

My emotions are pent up to the point that my self esteem can’t take anymore

Till the heavy tears condense, overflow, and finally they pour

Then someone heard the splatter as my liquidized sadness hit the floor

I see the teacher approaching, she obliviously asks “Honey, what’s the matter”

Do I tell her of my desire for vengeance, or suicide and more towards the latter

I choke back tears trying to explain to her that the kids are picking on me cause i’m so much fatter

In that moment she tells me i’m beautiful and those boys are too dumb to see it

She promised me all their impoliteness would quit

For a second I glimpse of raw respect

Is this truly a compassionate and caring person which I detect?

Fast forward a couple years later, when I conditioned my body to look like the rest

I can’t help but hear the same people that terrorized me say "I look my best"

Suddenly they only throw compliments my way

Leaving me in utter dismay

I allow myself to accept this unrequited flattery and soon I fell

Believing everything spoken by the handsome boy which I don’t know so well

He constantly grips my thighs and claims he loves them just

I immediately stop him there, realizing that is not love that is lust

These relationships made me wiser

Distancing myself from the toxic, yet with the genuine I become a love geyser

My real friends say they love me now despite not knowing me before

I intend on suppressing my past by confining it in a metallic vault with a tightly sealed door

You know a fragment of what has hurt me to the very core

What I wish is to unmask the I love you’s that hide more than a hint of hate

I need the bullying to stop, so please refuse to participate

Find someone to love you -not objectify- but venerate

Because I truly do love you, and I hope by the time you get this; it’s not too late