It's happening again only this

It's happening again only this time I know from experience I'll get through it, also that I have to look forward, move forward, there is no going back, ever, it's mind splitting, it's a weight in my skull, I can cry any second, I can close the curtains to grieve, discovering the abnormal loneliness it is to be with me, but I'm happy, but I'm grieving the loss of having loved and lost yet again, there's nothing I can do for earning the love I deserve, the love I'd rather share with myself than take the pain it costs to be disrespected and tossed aside as I say what I feel and it mean nothing, one day it won't be so raw but 4 years later 2 broken hearts later and it still feels wrong to have given up the one that makes me smile while I'm miserable and be a reason I smile and a reason I'd die, dying for love or dying to love, I would choose their love over mine and that has made me weak to my core, I struggle to work the expectations out and see it for what it is: not worth it. My heart says otherwise when I remember the smell of their hair, skin, armpits, the way they look me in the eyes, and grab my hand and touch my hair and let me cry on their shoulder as I don't speak of the torment it is to be with them when I can give myself more yet I tear myself apart with the longing to be there and elsewhere, what more could have I done, I'd have done anything not to prove anything just to express there's nothing I won't do for there's love in me for you I want to share my being with you but expectations to get the same back bury me alive making me crazy to believe that you must not really care to love me at all, so I guess it's best I'm alone for no one can give what I am in return.