its just like this

feeling pink

is never easy.

it’s disconnection,

the “somethings not right”,

the uncertainty, doubt, and stubbornness.

i start my day

feeling pink,

and i end my day

feeling pink.

it’s a part of my cycle.

so how can i fix my every day

when it’s been my every day every day?

and when im sick–

pink

and when i am alone–

pink

it seems innocent at first;

a one-off type thing,

a trickery type thing.

and when i realize 

i’m on repeat,

it is too late.

i can feel it in my throat,

bubbling and invading,

and i can do nothing about it

but let time pass

my natural state

is disconnected

and being compliant

because

i can never do nothing to stop it

things pass in front of me

in slow motion,

so close that i can wrap my hands around it

but i never do.

so i stare at them

envious

that they can move and i cannot.

instead,

i am recycled water in a water foundation.

i am on a walkway,

letting things happen as they happen,

letting opportunities pass me.

... was i always this way ?

where did my passion for creativity and individuality go ?

why am i accepting this ?

theres just much potential in me,

(i am told).

i am surrounded by judgement

every minute.

i can feel the thoughts through their presence,

and every minute 

dawns guilt and confusion

and depression

from a presence

its not quite suffocation,

but it gets god damn close.

its claustrophobia

inside and outside me

the little things add up,

one by one.

they are simple mathematics,

until it gets bigger.

and heavier .

and bossier  .

and complex   . 

and determined    .

with a strength

 i can never harness

and i know one day

it’ll burst and collapse on itself,

choking and beating my hopes and dreams,

until the thought of a hope or a dream

cant even be conceivable.

so here i am,

in the present,

experiencing my past,

ignoring my future,

and it’s every day,

that i am reminded–

feeling pink

is never easy.