It's More Than Survival

It's not darkness; there's no lightswitch

It's blackness; there's nothing left.

It's not sinking; it's flying in a cloud

With no roadmap or direction

People are ants from this secluded dimention

Small and insignifanct, and so very far away

Those clones who threaten in a crowd

They wrong and backstab and betray

But to hell with the living.

Mourn for the dead

A mother and son

Mourn for nonsense

The shots of a gun

I'm fading away

Behind a mask of smiles

Temptation for self mutilation

It's a very becoming feeling.

As sweet as surrender

Yet I'm a survivor

Of sleepless nights

Of crying and scratching.

Defined by these lines on my wrist

as one of the chosen ones.

All the same.

All waking up to picked up, ripped up scabs inside

And wondering why

When did it start and why won't it stop?

Stop the shame of secrets

Stop the pain of silent pleas

(To cotton filled ears)

I open my mouth

But I'm silent

Wondering for an explanation for this damnation

When did I lose it all?

My dancing glass slippers, my red heels for travel

Was it peers who razed my dreams

Or was it me and God's gravel?

Mom, Dad, I knew you meant well

And I'm torn to know your blaming thoughts

There was no warning when I fell

When I jumped

And you think you didn't catch me, and you put yourselves at fault

As if I slipped through your fingers

I'll beg that I'm sorry

For your worry that lingers

And my dear friends:

Invisible A, B, and C

The reasons that the only voice I could trust was in my head.

And it could espy my guilts and doubts when the light shuts out

And I'm all alone, that voice and I

Disgusted.

Until the morning when I rub my sleep-depraved eyes and see myself

My blood in blue viens, pores

A real person, living and breathing an unused priviledge

Repulsed.

Weighed down by lonliness

Wrenched by the skythe around my neck

And that whispery voice in my ear

"It's for the best. The best I deserve and the best chance I'll get."

The past is my present, and there's no reset.

No more days of strained smiles and nights of weep

I'll sever the ties to my priviledge

Pillage a life

Or fight for a clean sweep?

So I open my mouth

And words come out

I can't survive on my own,

I need help.