It's a Process

Suddenly My tongue is in knots My heart isn’t beating, my blood was in clots My mind was a treasure, not laden in thoughts But I’m lost with no map and I can’t connect the dots And I’m struggling Muddling friendships I valued and cherished And eating off tables where there was no spare dish Their scraps made me sick but who cares for the careless I tried on your clothes and thought “I wouldn’t wear this” And I always wanted more but never considered fairness And I never got a break Except when we were broken And my ears were left bleeding for words that weren’t spoken And My eyes, they were reading from books that we wrote in It’s a shame there were chapters that weren’t ever opened But he made his exit, and I knew I couldn’t slow him. In this space that we made, in this world that we float in. And I’m a boy A boy with bad history, With guys who need solving, I guess it’s the mystery World wars one and two but what’s three to me? I’d come home with a bruise or two and say “he did this to me” And even though the teardrops would spill, it was bliss to me But he could never kiss me And neither could anyone else Gay, straight or bi I always knew it wouldn’t happen His lips would make a pass but I knew I couldn’t have him He turns to Danielle and says “Fuck it, I’ll stab him!” But he throws his words first and I’m a target to a javelin. And I could never decide what I thought hurt the most The fact that you hit me or that fact that you’d boast My lungs were on fire and I was the roast And my flesh fucking searing from my head to my toes You think you knew pain but there’s so much to know But it’s funny when you’re burning that time seems to slow. And I know. That the space I’m in now isn’t my home, Cause often times I’m out of place, I’m all alone. And when no one’s there to pick up the phone And my ears are full of fucking busy tones I wither away into skin and bones Cause it’s all I’ve done, it’s all I’ve known. Cause I told you all the things that ever hurt me And you did it all again like you never even heard me You weren’t ever in my shoes, you never really were me You were in a hurry In a hurry But you never ever worried About me. You turned an eye to my efforts, so I left And there were words that I couldn’t decompress Problems that I couldn’t seem to undress Like when the only you had left to hold was your breath But I didn’t bother stress Cause if you’re blind then you’re probably deaf And in reality we love to feel guilty Love the novelty of impossibility The strength that comes with inability Even if it’s really a disability Cause I knew Heart ache is my fate The aching in my chest cause there’s too much on my plate And there’s too much here at stake And I’m not sure that I’ll wake And I swore that it was fake But not fake just a mistake A mistake that’s second rate Cause when I approach you your tongue tangles, you seem to fall mute You say you that you could never lie, you simply withheld the truth But in its absence there was nothing to contribute So we ate it up, We never knew what wasn’t true. Cause when you’re starving anything looks brand new. And the fantasies that pack pounds on my shoulders, You’re just another failed story that was filed among folders See, karma is cruel and this one time I told her, That the ground that we lay on seems to make us become colder But Time is a dye that makes reason grow bolder, She said I wouldn’t understand, That I’d know when I’m older Cause I know now that feet fall with a purpose And if you took a look back you’d be shocked cause you were this I didn’t come a whole block, Not a stop I’m no tourist, I had dug my grave then but now I see I’ve come furthest See, Love is a taste and it’s strictly acquired, We don’t know those who we eat, but never those we desired Cause taste buds change And we know that sweet enjoys all that is savory, but it’s a flavor not modest enough to admire your bravery And lately He’s at stake he He just takes he Isn’t there doesn’t there doesn’t care he’s a fake he Makes me feel sick till everything that I know falls straight through my skin and seeps deep into my bones And Ignorance isn’t bliss it’s insanity Cause to not know is to tear at a man and he Kept to himself but not to me and he Saw in my eyes that I want to be free but he Couldn’t see that he was the key But now I finally see That happiness doesn’t lie in him but instead inside me. Cause it took a lot for me to see From the blood that I bleeded From the warnings not heeded From the words that got heated From the actions that he did To see the boy that you were, and man who I can be.