It's Time

Dear, someone I don't know. It’s time. Pull out your notes sheet, because you are about to have the ability to ruin my life. It was late afternoon following my weekly church service when my father was driving me home. His eyes had bags around them from working late the night before. Although he could barely keep his eyes open, my eyes were wide awake! With my hands hanging between my waist and my shoulder, I roared as loud as I could; I was imitating a dinosaur. At first my dad was annoyed at my disturbance. He told me to ‘be quiet’ and to ‘settle down’. Being a five-year old, the phrase ‘be quiet’ translated to ‘scream louder’. So I continued to shriek until my dad finally stopped the car. But instead of yelling or screaming, he looked directly at my arms. I stared at him, hoping that he would show mercy. But instead of yelling he just stood there with a face of distraught. Finally some words muttered out of his mouth. I thought he was gonna take away my video games for a week or force me to wash the dishes later that night. However what he said was so much worse than I could ever imagined. He said “ Caleb, don't put your arms like that, they make you look gay”. I had no idea what he was talking about, but at the time I thought it was bad. Really Bad. Like worse than Randall from Monsters Inc. bad.

So from that day on, I did everything I could to make sure his perception of me was something that he could share with my aunts and uncles at family gatherings. The fear from my father combined with my passions created my high school career. I won state in Speech and Debate both my sophomore and junior year. I built a successful T-shirt company that regularly donates to charity. I spend my summers volunteering as a counselor for elementary aged kids. But despite all that success, I still find myself struggling between being the person I want to be and the person he wants me to be.

It's because of that day in the car when I was five years old, that I still fear his perception of me. I fear that one day my father will value an ancient book says over his son. I fear that my father won’t love me. I fear that my father will wipe away everything that I have done to make him proud because of a three letter word. SIN. That word has stayed with me my whole life.

So as of right now every single soul that knows of me, thinks I am like the 75% of americans that identify their sexual orientation as straight. Well, I’m gay. So thank you. Thank you for being the first person I came out to. Although I may not know of your name, who you are, or where you live, I at least know that someone, somewhere knows one-hundred percent of my story.

Sincerely,

A boy whos life YOU changed.