Jack Climbs High up the Beanstalk

But certainly, this is not the sort

Where Muse and Bacchus with glass of port

Who beckoned by pen to sing song

Tell true tales of hero’s right and wrong.

Neither will it be a tale of tales,

About Melville’s mumpy Moby whale

and a captain broken by his hunt;

A-hab-it of anger, with stifled grunt.

Nor shall the iambs of William grace:

To thee! To Thou! I beckon, keep thy pace!

For iamb, iamb, iamb, five in sort,

Are too innocent to tell this report. 

This twisted story is less renowned,

Should you wish to hear, then gather round.

And that fairy tail you did believe

You soon will know was meant to deceive. 

Somewhere in the English countryside, 

Where hungry famine stretched far and wide,

A poor mother and her growing son

Furrowed brows to find the absent funds. 

Resolving to sell their only cow, 

Mum sent Jack to get the money. Now,

once he sold that skinny spotted beast

he went to go and buy a feast.

But as young Jack proceeded down the road,

He lost his way and then he slowed:

For he’d come to a part of the land,

A hood, that by his mother had been banned. 

Every mother has her lurking fears,

Abduction, kiddnapping, drugs, and beers.

And every son has that risky thought, 

“I’ll do it,” he says, “I wont get caught.”

Thus was Jack no different in his brain

Acting with no fear of causing pain.

So he steps on the vial and cracked street

Lifting his eyes and moving his feet. 

In the dark he saw a shady man

Climbing out a white and broken van.

He then approached, next reached in his jeans,

and exposed a grimy grip of beans.

“My son,” he said, “would you like to buy

The greatest gift God gave from on high?

For the coins in your bag, then you'll see 

What it’s like to be on LSD.”

Well Jack did for a while juggle

If it was worth the money struggle. 

Finally he broke his moral will,

Reached out with coins and grabbed the pills.

Jack turned quick and headed back to home,

He popped the drug as he strode:

SPIN QuicK! But OnLY SevEN times!

B4 the FroG eats The YELLOW DRippIng Crayon!!

NO! Please sTOP for yesterday’s BARBER!

I must Run! IS THAt the Sun?! 

IT canT B! Thats a mirage!

It can't be! But I CAn Feel—

This BeaNstalk Seems 

REEEAlly Real. 

Whats ON TOPP? I must DisCover! 

Should I GO UnderCoveR? Here! I’ll 

Slide up up up the Beeanstalk! 

I guess WeLl See WhAts on top!

A GIANT MAN WITH GIANT HANDS!

no tiny hands! A Nightmare…

Orange Green BLUE I see!

He says he's going to EAt ME. 

FEEFIFOFUM! 

Twiddly diddly diddlY duM. 

Oops! IvE fallen! 

Here we go! Down down down down.

—————————————————-

The dotted beep-beeping drills his ears.

The Hospital walls incite his fears.

A whole-body cast has locked him down

And to a rigid bed he is bound.

Jack soon realized that he’d lost his purse,

Scared, he called out loudly to the nurse. 

Who walking in gave curt reply—

“Sir, you bought drugs and leapt from the sky.”

Children, let it be a lesson learned

That mommy’s advice should not be spurned.

And also, that drugs are really bad,

Unless you want to die.