Janabar (Journey)

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(poems go here)Blinded by the light, wondering what brings the speeding thoughts rushing through my mind.

Sorting through the piles of emotions, memories, and present feelings to find an understanding of who I am.

Why am I here now and was then.

The purpose of I is being seeked. Asking the unknown. Knowing now what to ask myself, fearing the option of receiving no response, then what?

 Back to square one.

 The chilled air filled with loneliness, caused the goose bumps of my heart to rise. As all of this goes on within, the outside has blank eyes, a stratagem smile plastered on my face.

Timorous of what they; friends, family, associates, and observers might think of me, if standards are not met, promises not kept, and secrets become untold.

I struggle with the constant reminder of what I am not. I struggle wanting to know who I am. My outside can only last so long before the inside starts to crumble like a glazier meeting the rays of sun.

Confused wanting to feel belonged to a group of people who seem to have it all on the outside, but on the inside their insecurities swarm around like an aggravated bee hive stricken with an unknown object.

A group who seem nice, but every chance they have they bring your flaws out and lay them out on a table and play with your emotions as if it is a game of goldfish and they’re only searching for your hook to tangle with their lies.

My journey is continued, I am sure of what I don’t want to become, but the rest is unrevealed.

Facing, what seems like the world alone I began to give up until a thought crossed the mind like a star flashing through a summer night.

“Am I looking for who I want to be or am I in search of others expectations? Am I walking the staggered dark path alone or are the voices of everyone else leading me?”

 That very thought brings my sojourn to a halt….

I realize in order to continue my voyage I must realize I am finding what they want me to be. I must stop taking “their” steps and start taking mines.

My mind started to release spoilt and scourge the toxic waste it held for so long.

           My outside started to look livelier and my heart began to beat as if it was the first time            like when I was in the womb receiving nourishment through the cord of life. The beats were fresh and held love and were imperturbable.

My journey, far from over, but is now heading down a new path. A path of which I control and call the shots, it’s my time to define myself.

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