Journal #4

My Dearest Friend

 There aren’t any words to describe my love for her….

                  She makes me laugh when I want to cry, and now in those very same moments, I miss her. Simply because she’s the one who can make my laughter grow and will my tears to vanish. To make me want to live, when I want to die. To make me smile, when I want to frown. I miss her when something good happens and I miss her while I’m distressed. She’s always understood me, but now I know we’ve just… disconnect. I think of her night and day. Reminiscing of the times she’d say my name, incapable of ceasing the blush that creeps up on my cheeks. The actions of my face betray me, broadcasting to the world… “Yes, I need her that much.”

There aren’t any words to describe her beauty….

                  Deep down, I was hollow and downhearted. And by chance, on just an ordinary day, I was graced with her glance in my direction. She didn’t know it, and neither did I, but with due time she would set my soul on fire. The world and the way I knew it to be was ignited, I didn’t even mind… in fact, I watched it burn. Because the warmth she spread brought me comfort, and for once I experienced no pain. Comfort transitioned to passion, as she would near me. So overwhelmed by emotions I couldn’t recognize, I attempted to bury them instead. I failed. Miscalculating the strength of her grandeur, I’d find myself lying awake at night thinking of all the dreams she shared. Memories of how promising the light in her eyes would shine. She’d speak of traveling and of stars, things far beyond my reach… a “Wanderer’s soul” I would think. Nevertheless, I knew I would try my best because like the stars she was beautiful and left me breathless.

There aren’t any words to describe how special she is….

                  When I knew that I helplessly loved her, I found it impossible to escape. Already she’s been gloriously embossed, obsessively etched within me, in my dreams and my thoughts. My love for her a product of her love of all things. The feeling of her love has always been true, I truthfully don’t know where it started or how… thus the summary of how she became my was, my is, my now. Time flew by way too quickly, that is her power. Weakening as I became engrossed in all that she is, time would be lost because the present would all too soon become the past. Needing her more than she could believe, loving her more than I could conceive.

 My Dearest Friend,

                  I hurt you unintentionally, nothing I say will reverse the pain I’ve caused you. But I am apologizing intentionally. I’m ashamed that my ego created actions so shallow, I did not realize I could hurt you so much. I agonized you inadvertently when my pride allowed for my morals to slide, I wish I had been a better friend. My arrogance resulted in accidentally offending you, causing an abundance of pain for us both. I want to apologize with purpose, the way I treated you… I did not mean to, I regret few things… but that I with certainty I do. I hope that you can forgive me, to find it in your heart. It must be hard on you, the countless things I put you through. Where was I with my lending hand when you needed me? I am so deliberately sorry.

                  It’s a lot to ask, but love me again? Let it be a new day? I want to make up, but either way, yes or no… I want to say thank you for your arrival in my life. You’ve made it so blessed and beautiful and wonderful. It’s caused me to love you even more now than I did then. I miss you and all the times we spent together, for those were some of the best times of my life. Your love will always elaborately be painted across every part of what makes my heart beat.

There aren’t any words to describe my love for her, there aren’t any words to describe her beauty, and there aren’t any words to describe how special she is….

                  To attempt would be to try and define them, to multiply which essentially means to limit them. It is infinite, with no beginning or end. No fitting definition, no limitation, and no beginning nor end to her beauty, how special she is, or my love for her.