Jovial

At what point does being happy hurt?

Is it when the corners of my mouth start to twitch,

Having sustained my smile for two hours straight?

Or when tears are streaming down my eyes,

Blurring my vision so all I hear is chuckling?

Maybe it’s that moment when I turn inside out,

My chest splitting from a mix of laughter and belonging?

Could happiness hurt when I have friends

Sitting near me

And we’re all playing cards

And laughing at someone’s bad luck

Or when we’re talking

Chuckling at something that one of us

Said last week

Or when we’re listening

To that particular comedian

For the ump-teenth time

Maybe an inside joke

Like a locked safe

But the password unlocks

Memories

Instead of diamonds.

I think the answer

To that question is no

Happiness doesn’t hurt when

I have friends around me.

Though

I know

Happiness does hurt

When the corners of my mouth start to twitch

Having buckled under the stress of a fake smile

Or when tears are streaming down my eyes

Because I’m finally alone and allowed to feel defeated

Maybe it’s that moment when I turn inside out

Because I want to say something serious to you

But you won’t listen

And you don’t want to listen

Because you said

You promised

That you just wanted me to be happy

So, to answer your question:

Yes

Smiles hurt, because I bite back words when I clench my teeth

Laughing hurts, because the only real part disappears when I wipe my eyes

Happiness hurts, because that’s all you seem to want from me