july 17, 2016; 2:45 am

i don't want to feel like things with him have ended... but what if they really have and i'm too much of a fool to see that?... i'm so in love with him. i don't know if i can give him up... at least not until i know how he feels or what he's thinking about what to do. every day is hard without him. some nights when i can't sleep i look out my window, thinking that i'll see him walking down the sidewalk like he used to on nights like these, to come up to my room and just be here with me. but i know that won't happen for a while, if ever again... if life wasn't so complicated maybe things would be different. maybe. there are a lot of those. maybe i'll be famous. maybe i can be happy without him. maybe loving him is a mistake. maybe i'm crazy. maybe i'm a fool... maybe. but i don't want to accept the possibility that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. it hurts too much... and i'm afraid that if i accept that possibility, i would truly be unfixable. i don't want to believe that he let go of something so easily even though it means so much. especially to me. damn i love him. with all of my heart and soul. he makes my world shine brighter. he knows me better than i know myself... he makes the monsters in my head go away, as if they were never there in the first place. i know i shouldn't depend on someone else so much. people can be undependable. and i should probably learn to be more self-reliant. but with all of the crap I've been through, i feel like i need the training wheels of depending on someone else before i can depend solely on myself for things like happiness. happiness doesn't come easy for me but i always know that when i'm with him, happiness is effortless. some people say i'm stupid for waiting for him because it's just making the pain of not having him around last longer. but i wouldn't feel right to just leave things as they are now, so unsure and unfinished. it doesn't feel like things are over between us. or maybe i don't want things to be over so i say that it doesn't feel like it is... i'm not sure anymore. I wish i could see him. talk to him. but his mom already made it very clear she doesn't want me talking to him. i don't know how i'll ever understand her for doing this. he makes my world so much better and she's taking that away... i want to hate her, but i know that'll make me just as bad as she is. so i can't. i can only try to understand. 

my heart aches for the feeling of safety that he gave me so effortlessly, as if that were his sole purpose and the only thing he ever learned to do. i'd give anything for that feeling again. i don't feel safe in my own. on my own, my mind becomes a weapon against me. detrimental. if only he were here... i want to scream and cry out because of the unfairness of it all. why me? why is it always me? the broken, the unwanted, the ugly... it's all i've ever been to the world. he changed that for a while... but now that he's gone it doesn't feel true for me anymore. it's wrong. it's all wrong. life without him is wrong. and it's breaking me from the inside.