Jungle

Life has kinda been a jungle to me kinda like living in one or something 

Wondering why my father, never came back after his hunt 

Always haunted me

Would sneak up on me 

While my back was turned

Observe my oblivion

Then sink it's claws

 and fang like teeth into my flesh

All the while devouring every positive Image I’ve painted of him 

Because 

My daddy, mon père, my guardian would never abandon me.

After I realized that I could never see him again 

Or see him the same again

I taught myself to hunt as well

For a man that would never disappear in the night, and not come back at dawn.

I taught myself to hunt

for a man that would shows his love and always shows up

I taught myself to hunt

 for the women inside me, to never let herself fall for a man like her father. 

I remember telling my mother 

"I think when I have kids, I wanna be a single mom" 

She cried and apologized 

But I couldn't understand 

Like you the one that taught me that I don't need a man

And like from where I stand 

It's almost as if the women always has the upper hand 

Like you get the kids and child support? 

We set right?

But it never occurred to me that this life wasn't an option for most 

It was the best decision to make for the pride as a whole...

I thought that being a single mother was just how it goes

Like that's how things always were

All my friends also had only their mother...

Dans ma fantaisie

Aujourd'hui mon pere retourneé

Life would become a forest 

With the occasional wild fire

I'd be confused

Set fire? 

Feel rain?

Love or hate

To let him stay?

But the wilder beast inside him seemed contained 

I mean the wilderness remained

The jungle we'd all stay

Or just call it the projects

It's something we had in common 

To stay with our moms like a pack or pride

Our bonds created a taboo culture 

Something none of us wanted to speak on but we all know existed

Like how else would we be in this situation 

We were fully aware that 

I would never see your biological father around here

And vice versa 

Just step dads and false hope that couldn't break free or break bread

While we'd wait for the "real men" to return 

Until then 

The reason my pen flow

Motivation be to show ma mere 

I was right all those years ago 

Because she did a damn good job

And she's a damn good mom 

Even when she did it on her own.

Still here

I am now allowed to mate

I discern the fact that my dad didn't leave without a fight 

But it was never a mistake 

My mother still wounded 

Like me she taught herself to...

Hunt a little too well

She started to hunt herself

She engraved a cage around her emotions toward any man 

She filled the ditches with sayings like "I love my kids" or "I'll always put my kids first"

She says to me 

"This cage builds strength & protects you my cub"

All I hear is 

"Im too afraid to be loved and to give love"

"It's okay to aspire to be like me now daughter, I am an strong independent black women... you see these markings..

These scars?"

Only this time I am afraid 

I epitomize her weakness from before

I want to be dumb 

But

What if Its too late

or what if I find my father and and his new family

And I can't forgive him 

or worse

I do forgive him , 

let him stay

Roughhouse a bit

 To make up for lost time

His mouth opens 

I thought to smile 

with teeth 

Still like knives 

and he is still the empty bellied beast I taught myself to stay away from.. to be afraid of.

 

 

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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