Junkie James

Fast asleep on a brick

He’s brought ‘round by a lick

Of a stray that surely someone will miss

As his hand stretches out

To go searching about

The dog cocks a leg for a piss

With an arm soaking wet

Now it’s urine it pet

James slowly sits up from the grass

Then the dog gets a kick

As its taking the mick

‘Cause it’s now dirtied him with its ass

With a mind that feels numb

James gets up off his bum

To try and walk out of the park

By his brain he’s then wronged

As he falls in the pond

Where a swan leaves him with a mark

As he climbs out of it

Covered in the swan’s shit

A duck gives his nose a sharp peck

The park warden then comes

So off James then runs

Five steps before hitting the deck

By an old man he’s mocked

As his head is then locked

In the tight grip of the park’s guard

His face, it turns red

While to the gates he is led

Once again from the park he is barred

“Let me go” he there rants

Before shitting his pants

For he’s thrown on the pavement so hard

“Smelly cunt” shouts the warden

Whose accent is Northern

His once fresh smelling uniform marred

As he gets to his feet

He then feels the heat

Of self-made ‘shepherd’s pie’ down his legs

He goes into a shop

But is brought to a stop

“Please, fuck off” the old shop owner begs

“I’ll leave you alone

If you give me your phone

And some money, ‘cause I need a fix

I’ll take this loo roll

For cleaning me hole

And for breakfast I’ll have ‘pick n’ mix’”

Everything he then gets

As the shop keeper frets

Where he is, James has clearly forgotten

With his tracksuit pulled down

He wipes all that is brown

And the shop then soon smells really rotten

With his heart not so strong

The strength of the pong

Gives the old man a sharp heart attack

With his trucks round his feet

While still sucking a sweet

James decides C.P.R. needs a whack

Mouth to mouth makes things worse

His first aid’s a curse

When his sweet falls straight out from his mouth

With his airway now jammed

The patient is damned

Not a good thing, of which there’s no doubt

So James runs for the door

But soon hits the floor

His pants have now wrapped ‘round his shoes

To the door he’ll then creep

No honour to keep

For he knows he has nothing to loose

Luckily he’s not seen

Because no one was keen

To go into the old bastard’s shop

Where he spent every hour

Chasing rats which would cower

As he hit them with his trusted mop

With no one around

James gets off the ground

And pulls up his tracksuit legging

While he walks he picks snots

Then suddenly spots

His best friend at the street corner begging

‘Druggie’ Fred is his name

Smoking ‘crack’ was his aim

But no money has he for his habit

On the streets for ten years

Thrown out by his peers

For microwaving his sister’s pet rabbit

“Jesus, Fred” then James yells

As he suddenly smells

His best friend’s unbathed body odour

More insults then come

Too offensive for some

As James’s language gets bolder and bolder

“You really do reek

Some ‘Lynx’ should you seek

You’ve no pride in yourself man, do you?”

As he speaks he then farts

Once again it soon starts

Shit running down his right leg to his shoe.

“Why don’t you follow my example?

You really should sample

The high life I live every day

I wake up when I want

Then I go for a jaunt

In swimming pools where swans usually stay”

“Fuck off, can’t you see?

You’re so much like me”

Said Fred as he gave James a push

Back on the pavement he went

Where his nose was all bent

As his face hit the ground in the rush

“You big clumsy lout

Now you’ve broken my snout

I can’t smell a fucking thing now”

“Then everything has been solved

Our problem revolved

‘Round my stench, that’s what caused us to row”

As James then got up

He started to cup

His hand ‘round his startled mate’s balls

In a tight fisted squeeze

Fred let out a wheeze

“Now we’re even” his best buddy calls

After catching his breath

Their two eyes then met

And they forgave one another with hugs

With his nuts now let free

They went on a crime spree

As they both really wanted some drugs

A car’s window they breach

So that Fred can then reach

The glove box where everything’s stored

“Is this all we get?”

Said Fred with regret

“Just some condoms cause nobody’s scored”

“Don’t throw them away

I’ll need some today”

Fred thought that James’ penis had rose

“Which girl have you baited?

How long has she waited?”

“No. I need these condoms for my nose”

With no plasters to spare

James just couldn’t care

That a condom now covered his snout

Because he believed

That the pain was relieved

But the end had got caught in his mouth

To the old folk’s they walked

Then an old dear they stalked

As she carried a gold trimmed hand bag

With cash it was full

So James ran like a bull

As his patience had started to lag

What he didn’t know

Was that she wasn’t slow

For she’d learnt the art of self defence

So she caused him some harm

When she grabbed his right arm

And threw him straight into a fence

With Fred she next dealt

As a blow he then felt

When a kick went straight through both his legs

He cringed as once more

His privates were sore

“Oh God help my jewels” he then begs

Wondering what they are worth

With both men now hurt

The old lady then goes through both their pockets

Damn all has poor Fred

But James has some bread

So off with his money she rockets

“To the guards, we’ve been robbed”

A bruised James then sobbed

There the sergeant believes not a word

As proof then Fred puts

On the table his nuts

But their story just seems so absurd

“Hey, Inspector” James calls

“Come look at his balls

They’ve been kicked and that counts as assault”

His sack was then poked

While the inspector joked

“Trying to shag an old woman’s your fault”

With a habit to treat

They’re back on the street

To somewhere with cash they then lurch

To Mass now they stray

But it’s not to pray

The collection plate’s full in the Church

As the plate goes around

The priest knows their bound

To withdraw, as opposed to deposit

“Fucking junkies” he thinks

Then he shouts as he winks:

“I know it’s the money you covet”

For the plate they then rush

Past the crowd with a push

But they’re stopped by the bravery of nuns

To the floor they both drop

As their hearts nearly stop

As the Sisters all have Taser guns

Its remorse, the priest wants

So they’re dragged to the fonts

Where cleansing with holy water begins

Their heads are held down

Until both nearly drown

As they both confess all of their sins

With absolution provided

The Church was divided

If they should throw the two out in the rain

But sympathy won

They got tea and a bun

Then they asked for a hit of cocaine

It wasn’t a jest

Their narcotic request

As James really started to shake

He’s possessed a nun cried

And exorcism was tried

But no difference to him did it make

“God I hate all this stuff

Now I’ve had enough”

Said Fred as he pulled James to the door

“It’s weird people we meet

Let’s get back on the street

And hopefully somewhere will we score

Oh where can we meet

‘Drug pusher Pete’?

He might give us some drugs on the tick”

“Not to him should we go

Cause I already owe

Him two grand and he wants it quick”

James’ arm had he broken

To serve as a token

For failure to pay his high bill

With no money again

Pete would get both his men

To seize him and go for the kill

With no options now left

Having made not one theft

They headed for the methadone clinic

But the drug tasted shite

And try as it might

An ‘elated feel’ it couldn’t mimic

“I need proper drugs

This place is for mugs”

Said James while continuing to shake

“I’m with you bro

The effects are too slow”

Said a man who found it too hard to take

“But for drugs you need cash

So give mugging a bash

‘Cause it’s disability benefit day

At the post office you’ll find

Half the people are blind

Threaten them ‘til they give you their pay”

“Threaten the blind?” then Fred said

“I’d much rather be dead

To suggest that is just really sick

We’re much better than that

You’ve the mind of a rat

Now fuck off, you nasty old prick”

“I’ve no problem with it

I need cash for a hit”

‘Piped up’ James who had started to fit

“My head feels all funny

I’ve got to have money

So that I can stop feeling so shit”

“There’s no way that I’m going

And it kills me just knowing

That there’s nothing too foul that you’ll do”

From his friend then Fred walked

As James stood and gawked

Why he’d left, he just hadn’t a clue

To the post office he went

Where he jumped on a gent

Who’d a guide dog which stood on his right

As James goes through his pockets

The dog suddenly rockets

At his leg where it takes a big bite

Despite all of his pain

He manages to gain

The man’s wallet which was full with his pension

“Do not call for a guard

Or I’ll hit you so hard

This incident, you’re never to mention”

As he runs at a jog

On his leg is the dog

With its jaws firmly wrapped ‘round his shin

So he takes out a knife

To end its brave life

Because James has no feelings within

Through town’s laneways and nooks

For a dealer he looks

They don’t care where the money was sourced

Three grams of cocaine

Is his hard work’s net gain

Before out of the lane he then coursed

On the street he was walking

While frequently talking

To his friend, who was no longer there

As he continued to walk

He spoke ‘baby talk’

Making children all stop for a stare

He then upped his pace

To go search for a place

To ‘cook up’ his white treat on a spoon

His shaking was back

And was giving no slack

He needed his fix pretty soon

To the boulevard he raced

Where all junkies paced

And sat down on one of the benches

Then some tourists passed by

And said with a sigh

“Looks like we’ve walked into the trenches”

By scum they were halted

And all were assaulted

As one fell next to where James had sat

James then rose at slow pace

As he yelled to his face:

“What the fuck do you think you are at?”

Why weren’t you looking?

Could you not see me cooking

Me drugs on this old silver spoon?

Once I’ve had me fix

I’ll get all of you pricks

Your end’s going to come very soon”

James walked off down further

Where he paused thoughts of murder

He now wanted drugs coursing his veins

Then at last he gets high

As he injects his thigh

And forgets about all of life’s pains

As he tries to walk back

To the tourist he’ll whack

The narcotic smile soon leaves his lips

His face goes all white

As his chest becomes tight

Cause his blood pressure now really dips

The cocaine that he’d bought

Was his final thought

Was a mix, it just wasn’t pure

Half rat’s poison he felt

Meant his heart had been dealt

Its last blow, of that he was sure

There he lay on the ground

Not making a sound

But his ‘colleagues’ could not give a damn

They took trinkets of gold

Which they later sold

As the tourists were all in a jam

For hours he lay there

With no one aware

That a man had passed from this world

When the guards then arrived

The junkies all dived

Away, with abuse at them hurled

The sergeant then came

And saw James looking lame

He knelt down to feel for a heart beat

He then shook his head

The junkie was dead

Another soul for the devil to greet

With no funeral at all

The corpse was brought to a hall

Where the body was quickly cremated

No one came to say ‘bye’

For him; no one would cry

By the end ‘Junkie James’ was just hated

With no relatives known

Out, his ashes were thrown

And ‘Junkie James’ was dispersed by a breeze

On the ninth of September

All people would remember

Was that his ashes had made them all sneeze