Just Four Letters

They say home is where the heart is I guess I haven’t found my home By five years old you know exactly where your heart is: “I pledge allegiance to the -” flow of blood in my body pumped right beneath my fingers who cannot wait to grab that cupcake By seventeen, I need a review packet I need a fifty page, stapled manual just to start looking for my heart because it is no longer inside of my chest or the shape of my awesome Valentine’s Day card or even the necklace Daddy bought Mommy while Daddy was still here but it is in a hand It is in his hand They say a picture is worth a thousand words I wish I had a picture Maybe I could paint him Watercolors on canvas, gradients of light the waves of his hair crashing onto his forehead carefully sculpting the sand dune of his nose breath with every stroke consideration with every freckle warmth with every wrinkle around his eyes gleaming orbs that know exactly what to say even without the smooth pink of his lips And those lips windows to everything I didn’t even know I wanted to hear Melodies - no, symphonies triumphant and beaming the colors bursting with passion and understanding filling the page until the ink runs dry But they never gave me a paintbrush Just a faint glimpse of five fingers They say good things come to those who wait They must have a whole lot of patience I thought I was waiting I thought a lifetime might be considered “waiting” I thought that he might be waiting too A delivery outside my door waiting for me to open up and sign my name on the dotted Good Things line But no He wasn’t waiting outside my door or on my street or in the state for that matter because he was in North Carolina banging some blond, blue-eyed drunk with perfect skin and a level of dignity up to my ankles and “I’m sorry baby” and “I wish it was you” and “What does this mean?” and you’ve got to be kidding me So here I am waiting waiting for him to stop hiding behind other hims and reach out his hand They say love is a four-letter word But love is four of your favorite chocolates four charms on that Pandora bracelet four nights when you just can’t sleep four weeks of unconditional bliss four years of rainbows in the White House four decades of black and white hand in hand four centuries of pride in a nation Love has to be more than just four letters Love is supposed to fill my home, cover the walls in paintings of a million words, stop the clock so I don’t have to wait any longer Because my heart is tired and his fingers are clenched And they keep saying And they keep saying So I’ll keep saying too I’ll keep searching and painting and waiting until his hand is in mine and even the stars know our love is four eternities, maybe five.