Just Smile

Just Smile. 

That was all I was told as a child.

You're sad? Just smile.

Your parents argue? Just smile.

You're a horrible person? Well, just smile. 

I was the perfect child. I got good grades, always made honor roll, never talked back, and cried myself to sleep every night because a lady never depicted her problems to the world. 

I was my own best friend until one day, I no longer "Just Smiled". 

I became a different person, the pain was still there but that was something that would never go away 

But I was happier, I was a stronger version of that stupid little girl I once was. 

I became rebellious. 

No longer the innocent, forever the guilty.

No longer just smiling, forever crying inside.

No longer living, forever just surviving. 

I was the girl who did not care what anyone had to say when deep down inside, 

their opinion always mattered. 

I was the nightingale of Oxford, Florida, always on the street when I had a perfectly good home to go to. 

For some reason or another I never did. 

I do not know if it was a fear of being rejected or of being neglected. 

Feelings were one thing I was never trained to accomplish, Just smile.

Maybe I didn't go home to my family because deep down I believed that there was no family to go to.

Just three separate people, living three separate lives. 

Maybe, I was just intrigued by the problematic situations in which my peers suffered and endured.

I mean their problems were always more serious than mine.

Right?

Well, that is what i was told since day one.

If you don't remember it's perfectly understandable, I always had a knack for putting every ones emotions before my own.

You told me every night that I was lucky. That you wished you could trade places with me because I was such a happy child. You told me I was blessed.

Maybe all these accusations were true, but this did not mean that when the door closed to the house on Hunters field road that the perfect family portrait stayed the same.

You see, this was never intended to make people feel bad or responsible for me.

I never liked pity.

But my question is, did no one realize what was going on, did no one see the pain that was transcendent through my soul every single day?

Maybe I just smiled a little too well or maybe you didn't care.  

Because every one is so focused on their own lives. 

Did you stay up late as a child during those stealth times when you wanted to know everything and wittiness your father hysterical crying in the living room. 

Did you see the cuts? Did you hate the fights? 

Because I did.

I was alone, all I had were my parents. And for the longest time, they was the enemy.

In order to get away I looked to my peers. You see, the popular ones were too dumb and the smart ones were too happy. So I settled within the middle.

The no bodies. The bad ones.

With them, I never had to feel less of a person because I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough.

They were real everyday people with real every day issues.

I felt welcomed. No longer was I the only person with an issue, I had finally found my family.

And for the longest time that is what it was, a family. I didn't have to go home to a house full of arguing, I got to stay out late and be free.

I didn't have to be the perfect child anymore. A weight was lifted from my shoulders. I was happy.

Along the way, these kids had taught me valuable lessons. They took advantage of me and I let them, they used me for my car and my money, and I let them.

I guess I needed them more than they needed me.

They taught me not to trust anyone, they showed me how to tell who people were just by looking at them, but most importantly they taught me how to be confident.

And just as quick as they entered my life they were gone, and I was all alone again.

For the longest time I was stuck in this vicious cycle, I was angry at the world and I was hurt.

Until I met him <3

They say true love is the closest form of magic that us mundane creatures will ever encounter.

I didn't believe it. Love was weak and being weak was something that no one should witness. I have been strong my whole life.

He has made me weak.

I will not be my father nor will I bee my mother. I will be myself.

I do not have to suffer the same sadness in which my parents did.

Love, to me, has become such a beautiful thing. All I want is to be happy and to know that everyone around me loves and loves hard.

It took what seemed like an eternity to be happy with who I am. But I now realize, the future is what YOU make of it and the past, well the past is exactly what it is, in the past.

The past has made me who I am today, but I no longer reference it towards my future.

It was never my parents fault and I was never to blame also. Life is a sticky situation to get caught up in, but once all the stickiness is cleaned and wiped off, the out come is not as bad as I had imagined.  

:)