A Key to My Heart

Location

Los Gatos
160 Central Avenue
United States
42° 39' 40.0644" N, 73° 46' 6.906" W

When I was younger

A long time ago

I used to sit at the table during lunch

Consuming our food ravenously

Discussing light hearted matters

We enjoyed each other's company



Bread sticks and noodles

Playing around

It was a whole lot of fun

Doing a whole lot of nothing



After partaking in our feast

We would frequently get on the swings

Swearing with our right hand up that

We would fly further than the

Other competitors

Never to concede defeat

Leaping upon heights up and off the ground

Landing on the tanbark beneath our very feet

I remember when I decorated myself in pride

When victory came to me



Anyone could come

Anyone could go

We shared memories

That painted a picture together

Which resembled social idealism



As we grew older

With friends I’ve known for years

In the 3rd grade

Others became more sophisticated

With the hearts and minds with the will to discriminate



At the lunch table

My friends were discussing church

Not knowing what such an institution was

I asked "what's church"?

This is the moment when I realized

People who are different are not designed to have friends



I was ostracized from the table

For not knowing of their God

No one would talk to me

I asked my mother if I could go to church

To let the social pressures metastasize to my head

Engulf me to be accepted



For the blues that I shed

Social isolation would continue chronically

At one point in my autonomous ordeal

I even offered to purchase a friend

A seemingly pathetic attempt

I had nothing



And I left this nothing with an open heart

Waiting to be stitched up

However this new life turned out to be tart

As I knew no one



I was picked last for football

My chest felt a pain

I sat alone during lunch

My stitches came loose

I told a story about an old friend that moved

I am bleeding

The one who was listening asked “Wait… you have friends?”

All of my ribs break



This repression of weakness turned to anger

as I leaned towards the opposite

I became the very person that I despised the most

Broke someone’s glasses

Broke someone’s wrist

Broke someone’s heart



Disgusted at my own reflection

I turned away from this life

With great inner strife

And pushed towards reformation



At last I learned how to stop breaking

But I failed to destroy one last thing:

My insecurity

I vowed to myself that I would never break another bone

With stick and stones



However

Words continued to hurt me

I still felt alone

A lock fabricated without a key

I continued to walk the plank

In a society that would tell me to
Suck it up and deal with it



As if my symptoms of loneliness in this world

Could be remedied by autonomy

I continued to search for the key

To free myself of all tyranny

Of my own incarceration



I never found the key



Instead I only found debris

Taking up space at the place that I searched

And I searched it all

I sat against the wall

Crying in agony of the wound

That refused to relent in its pain



Walking home everyday

Telling myself to make it stop

The thoughts inside my head

I remember that when I made one final plea

And fire came down

Razing the very person that I used to be



I bled out

Another drop in the bucket

It was filled to the brim

With the shiny tin

Being tainted by the colors of internal warfare



Entire Regiments and Brigades

Drummer boys and flag bearers

All lined up

Prepared to take shots at one another



Of course

Most of them fell

And since they could not tell

How the wounded parts of myself

Wanted to mend together

Many continued to die



For the blood-soaked battlefield

Strewn with casualties

Yielded nothing for me

There were constant cries for symbolic peace

After such a slaughter



At the cross roads

I continued tread the path

Towards psychological conflict

With the despondent truth in one hand

And an empty lie in another

When others asked how my day was

I consistently directed my audience

With a lie



For every lie that I told

I perpetuated myself

In a deep dark hole



Like a corpse being buried beneath

The very weight of the soil

It became very difficult for me

To Legitimately breathe



And in this test

Of my integrity

Convoluted and crushed

I conceded attempting to find the key

That never existed

Running away like a coward



Like a clock’s hand

My head spun

In circles around

A quarter till’ I would finally break

As violently as a tidal wave

Crashing into the rocks and boulders

With the water retreating

To regroup and slam once again



No matter how much I thought

No matter how much I pondered

It felt like my tears were drowned

In an ocean of fear

With no one around

To hear my shouts



Since silence is golden

Wouldn’t it be precious

Then

If I’m gone this very day

Like a vacant forest with a falling tree

Would I make a sound?

Would anyone care

If I were drowned

In the tranquility of the Earth

I’ve always thought these questions



When I was 11

I was a loser

12

In love

13

A tormentor

14

I was no one

15

I let go



After a long while

I felt the muscles in my face slowly relax

The tensions eroding

With the presence of time



Eventually

The lock became untethered

When it began to rot

Setting me free

With the sadness of leaving

Another world behind me



But as I look back at this not-so-fond memory

I felt that I could’ve done something

And I should’ve

We should all do something

Rather than sit without hope



The truth is that we’re not alone



Don’t hate the player

Hate the game

As the idea of finding the cheap way out

Will not cure

The sickness within society



We should never count on finding the key

As it never existed

Whether you felt the most alone in your life

With such insanity

It is your responsibility to break the lock head on

And set yourself free


 

We read stories about heroes

Taking up arms to charge

The very meadows of the Earth

They face struggles and hardships

With such incredible power


Black or white

Skinny or fat

Tall and short

We don’t have power anymore in the present

We all have something

That nobody could understand but you



The amount of pain I endured

Is not envied

But the way I endured the pain

The way we could lead

Ourselves through this

Is not about power

But about will



The will to survive

Is precious

As why are we here

Might remain a question

But we are

We are here

And we have to be ready for more



Life and death

Survival or ruin

It is up to us to determine

How long the lock stays

How long we are buried with lies

How long we can remain happy

 

As our lives will have to do

Less with power and leverage
And today after another day

The will to live should have to suffice


After countless nights

Sitting in my room

With such emotional affliction

Whether in tears or wandering thought

No longer will I ever think

To hope for a  

Liberating day

I will never go back to that

Ever


 



 

 

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741