AS A KID AND BEYOND

did I ever wonder?

what my upbringing brought for me;

and did it disappoint

or just bring feelings to resurface,

but never sensitivities

of deep down and personal,

and did I really care

or did it make me

to have a bitter heart,

from what had happened

to me at the time,

and did I condemn them later on,

of those who kept the secrets

of past events,

or was the feelings like

well things do happen!

for many days in the past;

I had trouble adjusting

to what was a muddled mind,

in terms of growing beyond;

the nappy stage

and teething rings,

for there were secrets with my birth

and I wonder if it messed with

in me being an angry boy,

who found no joy

of being who I was,

so as for today;

that when allowed to cry,

emotionlessness is ingrained feelings,

in never being allowed to articulate

of deep-seated emotions of

consciousness.

and that I as person;

or back then as a child,

could not have changes a ruddy thing

or have I as this grownup person be,

have chosed to ignore

or have conveniently forgotten,

bout what happened in the past

or do I firmly believe;

that if you particlarly and specifically

have chosen to live in the times of yore,

that never will you be blessed

to see the light of day.

however, for me today in my way,

I have chosen for my life to be on

a somewhat different tack,

and elected to become

an examiner of intimate documents;

a genealogist of family trees,

only ever wanting to know

what did make my family tick?

and where did I come from

and why certain things did happen,

and was I a second-hand kid,

always feeling unwanted

or unloved to extremes,

when it appeared to be

or so it seemed at the time.

but my mission in life as it is of now,

for my computer back in the files,

in my file marked descent there appears to be,

that I do have this somewhat fractured

family tree with missing parts,

and many resolved answers

and even these questions be

are slowly being determined;

with careful consideration and instance overall,

for in genealogical circles,

my role in all of this

I have to be detached,

virtually emotionless to my task

which is why that how could I?

make a sound judgement of past events.

for when as a kid

in my time of growing up,

always felt unloved,

only ever hand-me-downs

nothing ever new.

I was a snotty nosed

with a piece of rag in pocket,

with scruffy boots on me feet,

and even they were;

from generation to generation,

pass me downs to the next in line

of a McKenzie kid.

never encouraged so

to express myself externally,

or show the gifts and talents

that might I on show could offer,

for in amongst this wall to wall

of kids,

totally misunderstood;

of why I wet the bed

as another slap prevailed,

on a daily basis spent,

totally upset the applecart;

for mum having to wash

another set of sheets,

and my mattress laid out to dry

on a day-to-day basis done.

a loner was I

for in amongst the tribe,

I felt misplaced did I,

always wondering why

did we have to move?

never settling down

of staying in place,

forever like a band of roving gypsies,

always on the go,

never having friends

only overbearing kids.

always in a fight,

never really understood

of why I stood me ground;

as an argumentative sort of bugger.

but!

from what I believe back then

'twas a very unsettled childhood,

I have grown up to be;

the man

that I am today,

with wife, kids and grandkids,

for my journey up to now,

has seen many episodes,

of toil, struggle and grief,

but also;

many days of growing up

and having an awareness,

of understanding past events,

whereas; I can understand that now,

I have more days

of sunshine and happiness

which is ever surrounding me.

consequently, in my present day;

I have become a descriptive soul

of how I feel in words,

and having pure pleasure

in transcribing down on paper,

for my journey has been long,

sometimes being wrong,

sometimes a colourful one,

sometimes fraught with danger,

sometimes without feelings of kind,

therefore, when the final curtain closes

will my story be told?

of a scruffy kid with freckles;

who made something with his lfe

and loved his mother deep!