Kitchen Counter Conversations

give me a fictional place to meet you in my mind once my phone dies. not the tree not my room not my computer i want something new. i’m gonna be out here for a while i think [alright. there is a bridge, on the outskirts of the wood past the field. youll find a river, follow it north (look for the north star). youll round a bend and there will be a bridge. the middle of it has caved in. ill be sitting there, dangling my feet over the edge where the wood has rotted away. look for me. ill be waiting for you.] i’m still outside and i’ve been listening to music with my eyes closed imagining this whole elaborate fictional situation where i looked at my life from all these different points of view and lightning bugs were carrying me in the air and i made a movie in my brain for an hour and the ending was sad and i’m insane i am insane but it was really pretty and at first it had all this false hope for pretentious show to make it seem cooler but then it got realistic and it was rather upsetting i feel weird i should sleep it started off with finding you on the bridge and then you brought me on a tour of my consciousness which started with the happy room. there were like 20 songs on shuffle and every song brought me to a different mindset/ a different room/ a different situation but you were always the tour guide. except for the last song. i had to return to reality and open my eyes and be alone and that was so scary after all the fictional shit you were the guide well my image of you was and when it got realistic i got sad cause it wasn't even really you and nobody could see what my brain was coming up with but me cause I’m completely alone and blah blah blah and so i made the image of you tell me to tell the real you about it so it wouldn't be so lonely there was one room called the regrets and memories room and i played out all the things my heart wanted to do but my brain stopped me from and the dialogue was all artsy indie movie crap i love my brain sometimes. but that was during the hopeful part of the tour there was a happy room with music where a bunch of people who were pretending to be happy were dancing and then there was a truly happy room up on a deck projecting off the roof and the only way to get up there was to be truly happy and i tried but there was air pushing me away from it cause i wasn’t happy and i asked you if you had ever been there and you said no and i said could you get in? and you said i don’t know because i’ve never tried because i never wanted to go in alone and i’ve never met anyone who could get in and then later on since it was my brain and my rules we broke them turned off the air and went up but it was mostly empty and every so often the shape of a human would blink like a flash of lightening and stay there for a few seconds before disappearing because people are only truly happy for short moments but it was beautiful and if you took a picture of the glowing person before they faded you got a picture of what they were doing and thinking and feeling in that moment that caused them to be truly happy and we saw the national live with a bunch of depressed lonely people and i didn’t know any of them and you were like “that’s the point.” and there was a part where i saw all these people who had died that i knew and knew of and i asked them questions about their deaths (especially the ones who killed themselves) and none of them could remember dying but they remembered the rest of their life and i was like what the hell why can’t they remember killing themselves wasn’t that a part of their life? but no apparently they died long before they actually died and this was how heaven worked in my mind. i even asked is this how heaven works and you said heaven is just an idea and i said yeah i know and i saw the past and i made my future up and i saw the fictional characters me and my brother make and i did everything, i did everything [are you going to do everything now?] not right now. right now i’m one of those sad strangers at the national concert. like i said this awake dream thing didn’t have a happy ending but it was really interesting oh and i could look inside people and everyone had different colors and designs and objects floating in them based on how their mind worked and L. was empty inside and A. had a lot of rusty pipes and P. had rainbows and i didn’t look inside myself or you, I apologize. we kept returning to that bridge between situations and the end of the bridge was also where the world ended and it was a giant cliff and people were killing themselves and i kept finding reasons to not jump even though i could if i wanted to in the happy dancing room at the end, there were a bunch of explosions outside and i asked you if it was the end of the world and you said “only if you want it to be!! just snap your fingers” and every time i’d snap my fingers the world would switch from peaceful to ending and it was fun I was covered in felt from felt land (i’ve never told you about felt land but it’s this uh thing i made up) and i was safe while riding in a train/ and then a bus/ and then a subway/ even though i knew i was alive i kept asking did i die in real life is that why i’m here. and you’d say no you can return whenever you’d like, just open your eyes and turn the music off, isn’t that great, you’re alive, aren’t you lucky, and i said yeah me and 6 billion other people