The L Word

I was fourteen when I had my first true boyfriend.

We had been friends for a while,

and I wanted to take things slow.

However, he had other things in mind.

He said “I love you”...

Did he just.. He just.. But did he mean it?

Just a week into us dating.

Later breaking up with me because I didn’t say it back.

I was just fifteen when I met my first love.

I was sixteen when I dated my first love.

The way he made me feel when he looked at me,

Or when he held my hand,

Or when he told me that I was the one for him,

It was unbelievable.

When he smiled and when he laughed,

My stomach would turn around and around into knots.

That saying about butterflies being in your stomach,

I felt that.

He made me feel as if I was truly the only girl in the room..

He made me happy and frustrated and confused but excited…

Yet he mostly made me feel broken.

Like I was alone in this world

Fighting all of my inner demons at once.

He told me I was beautiful

and then would turn around and tell me I would be nothing without him.

He said “I Love you”..

And I believed him but he would also tell me he didn’t care anymore.

Looking back I realized that he never really did care.

Our whole relationship was a lie,

But in that moment it was me who no longer cared,

Because he was the one for me

He made me happy even if he made me sad.

He made me excited for the future while destroying it.

He was soon writing my life out,

And my friends were beginning to realize it.

Everyday they were telling me to stop giving him chances,

But I would because he loved me…

And I loved him…

He crushed me in the middle of nowhere,

At least I thought it was the middle of nowhere.

Somehow I was the only one who didn’t see the real him,

Who didn’t see that he was tearing and ripping me apart

Like he was some racoon digging in the trash.

He made me feel like I was nothing,

And that I would always be nothing.

When I was turning seventeen years old

A friend of mine picked up my pieces

And put the puzzle that was me back together.

The way he made me feel when he looked at me,

Or when he held my hand,

Or when he told me that I was the one for him,

It was like a billion stars lighting the sky.

When he smiled and when he laughed,

My stomach wouldn’t turn around and around into knots.

The saying about butterflies being in your stomach,

I didn’t feel it anymore.

It wasn’t a bad thing though because I was comfortable

And never shaking or trembling because I was afraid.  

He made me feel as if I was truly the only girl in the room..

He made me happy and loved and excited for the future.

He let me know that I wasn’t alone in the world

Fighting my inner demons because we would fight them together.

He told me I was beautiful

and he wouldn’t turn around and tell me I would be nothing without him.

He would say that I was everything before him.

He said “I Love you”..

And I genuinely believed him.

He supported me in everything I did

And he made sure he was always by my side.

And all of that made me feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world,

Because he loves me..

And I love him...