Learning to Cope

My mental disorders take me to a place far away  so dark I dread waking each day. I wish I felt different and  wanted to live I often feel like I have  no more to give Im sick of the thoughts that  race through my mind I can not ease them for peace is hard to find I live each moment in constant fear  I am pretty sure the pain  is always near I want to talk; I have so much to say There is no point, because no one is listening anyway I am always exhausted, and so low on energy I am so tired, yet my mind  races continuously I worry too much over  things big and small I have a tendency to just  do nothing at all Nightmares haunt me  both day and night Flashbacks bring memories from each fight I hate being alone because I am my own enemy It is somewhat peaceful, for no one is yelling at me So much to do for my  husband and children I continue to fail them,  so why am I living I can't recall what happened  a few days ago I can't forget the past  and just let it go I say "I am sorry" even when I am not wrong I always feel guilty, and  have for so long I feel no need to plan  for a future  My present and past have  been nothing but torture My river of tears  never runs dry Not a day passes that I do not cry  Just when I think I am unworthy of love God shines down from the heavens above He gives me constant reminders of why I must stay strong Even when I am weak and everything is going wrong  I thank him for my kids; they are my heroes Their unconditional love helps me more than they know  They give me strength when I can not fight anymore Because of them, I will win this thing I call war They have witnessed so much  of my pain and suffering I am not alone for they are also hurting I continue to look for light beyond the darkness  I pray for my family to have strength, love, and happiness  I refuse to stop fighting these demons inside of me Until I learn to cope with  depression, anxiety, and PTSD.