Learning Curve

There once was a girl
and she loved a boy
very, very much.
Even more than she loved herself.

What she did, she did for him,
every breath,
every thought,
every flutter of her heart.

She loved him so much,
she lost herself.
She was no longer herself,
she was a conglomerate of him and her.

Here’s the kicker,
he never loved her back.
He liked all she did for him,
and being loved with having to give it back.

Her so into him,
him just playing along.
There was nothing between them
besides what the girl put in.

She’d sit up at night,
trying to figure out
why she’s so sad.
Why she’s in love, but so sad.

She knew, she knew,
logically it made no sense,
but this pseudo-relationship,
was anything but.

One night,
in a fit of sadness and anger,
she told him.
Spilled her heart out for him to see.

She sat there anxiously,
waiting for his reply.
Seconds felt like years,
stomach flutters felt like punches.

Bluntly he said he didn’t feel the same.
Her heart cracked
just too far this time,
but she fixed them again.

Played it off,
put her feelings,
and her too cracked heart
aside for him.

Not that he realized,
not that he cared
about all she did for him.
Nope, he didn’t care.

Didn’t care about all she gave up,
put into,
and sacrificed
for him.

That night, she cried.
Nothing ever worked out for her.
The one thing she wanted,
she could never have.

She didn’t understand why.
Why he got all he wanted,
yet she never did.
Why she got the short end of the stick.

How she could be so selfless
and him so selfish.
Why she was sitting here, heartbroken,
and he sat there just fine.

After that night,
she never texted him again.
It was either keep being heartbroken,
or let him go.

He never tried to reach out to her,
never wondered why the girl who loved him,
and was his best friend,
disappeared from his texts, his life.

After that night,
she began to move on.
It wasn’t easy,
letting him go was hard.

Expunging him from her thoughts,
deleting all of him from her life.
She had to, it was her sanity
or hold onto the boy who didn’t care.

The notes passed in class,
the texts and emails.
The memories as well,
they were hard to forget.

It’s been two months,
and sometimes she won’t think of him at all.
And sometimes he’ll pop back into her mind,
unwanted and only an annoyance.

The thought of him fills her with,
regret, hurt, annoyance, anger,
sadness, anxiety, loneliness.
But not one good emotion.

His memory just brings pain,
and she wants him gone completely.
She doesn’t want the singular incidents
of remembering.

If she could go back,
to those days in ninth grade she met him,
she’d change the past, and make a different friend.
He was not worth all this shit.

So to the once upon a time dear boy:
You were not worth it,
the heartbreak and pain.
The tears and heart racking sobs.

She hates you.
Hates your existence,
the memory of you.
She hates you.

There once was a girl
and she once loved a boy
very, very much.
Even more than she loved herself.

But after years of heartbreak,
she gave him up,
because he did not deserve her.
She let him go for herself.