Learning New Habits

There are issues I had
like being unsure if my goals were things I actually wanted,
if my loved ones were worth staying alive for,
if I had reasons and convictions to fight for.
It is hard to be unsure,
to have the choice of buckling into submission
or doing nothing and letting life decide for you.

As a child I had ambitions,
high expectations of professions and PhDs.
I dreamed of changing the world,
but as I have grown up,
I have been confined to thoughts
restricted by doubts and insecurities.
Though it is nice to believe that it is all up to me,
I have no say in life decides to throw at me.
 

I always said life was precious to me,
but somehow failed to see the value in mine.
These plans I made,
these answers I gave about universities and majors,
about careers and accomplishments
were all something I never planned to face.
I was just following expectations,
thinking I would check out before I had to meet them.

Today, I wrote a list of reasons to stay alive,
instead of a suicide note.
I now call myself a survivor, instead of a victim.
I tried to kill myself, I explain,
but I continued to live anyway.
I did not let them feel sorry,
or let them make me like I should feel sorry.
My attempts are nothing I take pride in,
but living is one of the bravest things I have done
and I will be damned if I do not take pride in that.