Leaving

She would hold me in her arms and tell me everything was okay.
but I knew it wasn't.
     He was always hitting mommy. I would sit every evening and watch her be dragged by her hair, slammed to the ground, and thrown on the walls. I screamed and she would yell out I love you. I knew I couldn't do anything to help, so I sat.
I sat and watched my mommy become bruised and neglected.
    Over a period of time, she began to change. She wasn't the same person. Her attitude, her view on life, her motivation to be my hero all came to an end.
    The beatings started to occur more often. She stopped crying this time. When I screamed out, mommy wouldn't yell I love you to me anymore. She wouldn't hug me, nor speak with me.
I was hidden in a closet like my existence was no longer around.
   At night, I began to hear him yell out mean words about me. That everything was my fault, and he wouldn't ever love her if I stayed in the picture.
   My bedroom soon became the living room sofa, my wardrobe was downgraded to a single outfit, and my shoes became the old raggedy worn out  green sandals bought from a city garage sale.
    I didn't feel mommy’s love anymore. She gave me no attention. When I tried to reach for affection, she would brush me off and stare into space.
  I heard yelling again in the room. mommy cried for mercy and ran out of the house with me in her arms.
   We sat in the worn out car and I held mommy while she cried even louder.
  We began to drive away from the place I thought was home.
  Soon the car came to a stop and I could finally recognize where we were.
  My grandmother's house.
  Mommy grabbed my head, looked deep into my eyes and apologized.
     For a brief second I thought her and I  were finally free. I thought we were going to be okay.
   She took me out of the car; walked me to the door and hugged me tight. I wasn't sure what was going on, then everything hit me all at once.
  Mommy was leaving. She was leaving me for a man that brutally beats her and smothers her life.

 I ran for her car screaming out that she had forgotten me, but she was driving too fast and I couldn't catch her.
   Everything was hurting inside.
I wanted to say I was sorry.
Sorry for being a mistake and ruining our lives. That I was sorry he didn't love me, that I was sorry I watched her be drug on the floor of our kitchen and didn't once speak out for help.
I just wanted to be happy again.

   I just wanted my mommy.
   Now I lay in pain and confusion.
I can't comprehend why I messed everything up or why mommy left me there standing on my grandmother's front porch and explained to me that she could no longer do this anymore,
that she could no longer be my mommy.