Let That Sink In

I fucking hate my body.

Let that sink in:

How much I hate myself.

How much I want to disappear.

How much I hate my life.

Am I justified?

I don't know.

But I cry myself to sleep every night,

Still wearing my sweatpants and sweatshirt

Because I'm too scared to see my body.

How pathetic is that?

I don't let myself see my skin

Because then I'd see my fat

And I'd have to face the monster I've become.

Instead I let my tears destroy my face

And I think about all my failures.

I let myself get fat.

I ate too much.

I didn't exercise enough.

I have no self-control.

I failed my classes.

I am too quiet.

I lost my friends.

I lost my family.

Fuck it,

I lost myself.

But I didn't lose myself enough to disappear into thin air.

You can still see me,

I'm not thin enough.

I need to stop eating.