A Letter to Him

I'm so lost.

I swim in a hurricane of confusing thoughts and confusing people.

I've learned that trust doesn't exist,

that I can't trust anyone, not even myself.

You taught me that.

The path between my brain and my heart is not straight anymore.

My brain rationalizes the way I hurt others,

While my heart tries to rationalize how they hurt me

How you hurt me.

It's a constant battle of mind and heart, forking every which way.

And I know that my own choices brought me to where I am,

But in that moment you gave me no choice.

The steady beat that was my heart was warped and twisted in that moment

Into something ugly and misshapen.

It’s odd thudding foreign to me

Having been permanently changed

Because of you.

And my body is foreign and unfamiliar

Because of you.

This path, the one you have set me on

This grotesque, horrifying hole in my heart,

The one that keeps me from functioning,

It’s changed me.

You changed me.

My memories of everything before and everything after are fogged.

My memories of being happy are blurry.

But I remember you perfectly.

And I remember what happened.

Why did you do it?

Why did you put me on this neverending path to hell?

I’m different now.

I don’t think you’d like what you made me.

I’m cold and brittle now,

A hard shell protecting what’s left of my fragile heart.

The fragile heart you shattered.

I trusted you.

I’ve pushed away all of my friends and family.

I couldn’t think about them and you.

And you’re all I think about these days.

They kept asking about what happened

And honestly I don’t even know what to tell them.

I don’t even know what I remember anymore.

Except I remember you.

And the truck,

Pulled off some back dirt road.

I remember the confusion,

And the cold.

I remember the cries for help,

And the pleading no’s.

I remember what it feels like when your body goes into shock,

And trying to fight, and not being able to.

I remember not being able to stop you.

The more I remember the more it hurts.

I wish I remembered nothing.

I look in the mirror and see a girl

Who’s turned into a ghost.

Her life and body now phantom to her.

In that moment she learned the harsh realities of life the hard way

And she takes all of the shame.

A slow tear drips down her face,

But she can’t feel it

She doesn’t feel anything anymore.

I didn’t walk away from that moment,

I never left it.

I can’t.

It never ended for me.

I relive that moment every single day.

That is what you did to me.

That is the effect so called “men” like you have on women.

Is that what you want to be known for?

I pray that this will bring about a change in your heart and peace in mine.

Sincerely,

A girl stuck in January