Letter to a lost friend

I sit here and wonder about the one that tore me in half and left me asunder. Yet when they smile my heart starts to pound so I pull my mask tighter till it’s almost a scowl I can’t let them see me break, no not here and definitely not now.

So I sit there in silence let conversation continue till the feelings pass and I can ease up on the mask  again. I thought by now I would be done, that I would’ve been over it and moved on but their simple gaze still seem to look right through me and play my heart like a drum and as I try to look away, hoping not let the memories back in but sadly like always the gate opens and it’s like a flood, all the fun times rush back to me like a rollercoaster of pain that I never agreed to ride on twisting through loop of regret, through the circle of despair, till I finally hit the end point of depression. Letting the would've,could've  questions wash over me like a wave from the sea of despair. Then I snap back to reality and tell myself i’ve survived worse, maybe someday i’ll wake up and the feelings will have evaporated like a puddle on a summer day but till then I just hold on to my mask and ask once again why do I care about the one that tore me in half and left me asunder.