A Letter to Mom

I don’t know you anymore.

Once upon a time you were a shoulder to cry upon,

but you’ve now moved along.

Is it worth it? The money? The so called “success”? 

Have your goals been met?

Or do you somewhere, deep in the back of your mind,

realize that I am falling apart right in front of you?

I fantasize of a pure mother daughter relationship.

A safe place.

A support system.

“Nobody will love you like your mother” they say.

“Nobody believes in you like your mother does.”

I think of this as you tell me how terrible my skin looks. 

I think of this as you tell me what an awful person I am.

I think of this as you tell me to be somebody else.

I think of this as I cry alone at night, longing for someone to talk to. 

I need a mother.

These boys I talk to in effort to replace your role don’t get the job done,

they only reinforce my belief that I am alone.

I am forced to fight these battles alone.

I cannot provide myself the love I lack.

These boys cannot provide me the love I lack.