A Letter to My 15 Year Old Self

Dear Me, 

You’re going to hate me for saying this

And I really do apologize

Because I, more than anyone, know how much you loathe hearing this

But my dear, be patient.

Please, bear with me.

Because one day it will come.

It will take longer than you would like it to.

You will spend many many many more days running those images through your head.

And I, more than anyone, know that the thought of waiting longer 

hurts almost as much as grasping desperately for something that you can only hope is there

But my dear, be patient. 

Because one day it will come.

For now, my dear, you will have to swallow the lump in your throat.

You will have to continue with your stubborn, though admirable, commitment to finding the non-existent 

“something more”.

If I may offer my (strong) recommendations:

Do not listen to your friends. 

They really do have the best intentions,

But do not heed their advice to let go.

Rather offer your heart out in your hand. 

Bare it out in the cold.

Have your intentions misread, 

And then ignored.

And then - and this is important - do it again.

You will have to cry

And I mean a lot

And I, more than anyone, know that it seems as though you’ve run out of tears 

(You haven’t)

You will have to spend nights aching 

and hurting 

and wondering if you will never have the privilege of understanding.

You will have birthdays and milestones and events and memories pass 

And as each one comes and goes you will treat it as another marker of your incompetence

As another benchmark that you did not dare dream you would make.

You will be overwhelmingly disappointed by this achievement.

You will embarrassed and ashamed and sick of yourself for an infinite number of reasons.

You will wonder what is wrong with you.

And I, more than anyone, know that you have already passed your comfort zone

I, more than anyone, know that you will feel stuck and alone.

I know how angry it will make you when you hear petty complaints 

I know how unfair it will feel 

But I urge you to ignore the itch to quiet their nonsense

My dear, thought it truly seems impossible, be patient.

Because one day it will come.

My dear 15-year-old self,

your imagination astounds me

the beautiful things that you have fabricated within your mind do not belong in this decade 

But my dear, though they seem foolish,

do not let them go.

Continue to play your anthems on an endless loop

Continue to long for that which is pure and good and honest

Continue to hope that something will finally come to fruition.

My dear, it will feel as though you have come so close.

Thrice.

It breaks my heart to tell you that this, the unrequited, will hurt more than anything.

There will be numerous “could have beens”

But my dear, be patient.

Because one day, it will come.

One day, you will wake up and your reality will be more satisfying than that which you dream of 

You will experience all of the firsts that you waiting so long for 

And they will be so perfect

All of your expectations will be met, and then surpassed by miles

You will feel like the luckiest girl in the world,

and you will frequently have to pinch yourself, because it won’t seem real.

But I promise: you will have someone to protect you. 

And hold you.

And love you. 

He will read you like a book.

My dear, believe it or not you may even find sonnets in your name

You will fall asleep to serenades and wake up to kisses 

You will cross items off bucket lists

You will have a partner for the unexpected dance floor that is your kitchen

And you will surprise yourself time and time again

You will revel in the prospect of milestones and special occasions with him by your side

My dear, he will find you beautiful, and make it his mission to ensure you never forget.

He will notice everything. 

You will let him.

Love will be so much better than you ever imagined.

I wish I could help your heartache now.

I, more than anyone, know what you feel.

But my dear, remember this:

Hold on.

Do not doubt what you deserve. 

My dear, I beg of you,

Use every last fiber of your being.

And every last inch of your strength. 

And please be patient.

Because I swear to you, 

One day it will come.

And it will be so worth the wait. 

Love,

Your 19 Year Old Self