A Letter to My Anxiety.

             I remember the first time I heard your cry eco through my mind. My heart raced, my body shook, and words stumbled off my tongue. You have grasped my soul and flowed through my veins since I was three. Your voice was quiet and sweet, so I listened. I let you in, and you grew. We became intertwined our thoughts, actions and words all one. Leaving me dependent on you my new found friend. You made sure I never left the house unprepared, never spoke my mind, put others first, and most importantly thought of every possible outcome, so the unexpected was expected.

I didn't think that pain could come from those I loved, trusted and relied on. Their words cut like shards of glass and looks pierced my skin. I fell deep into darkness. Depression clutched my throat till I could barely breathe. She spoke with utter hatred and drove me in the shadows. You and her created a bond that rooted deep in my soul like a grand oak tree. Anxiety you ruled the day with flustered thoughts and quivering limbs. She crept in the nightfall constantly reminding me of heartache and pain. The darkness grew stronger and seeped into the light. On those days I struggled to stay afloat you both worked together to pull my head under the flow of panic, opinions, thoughts, relations, and self-hatred.

No one could save me for no one understood. You're funny that way because the battle I fight is silent, unseen and unheard. Leaving me NUMB. In that isolation, I grip the sharp shiny silver and carve deep lines just to feel something, anything. Tears tumble and darkness lingers. I gasp for breath hoping the weights won't drag me under  But I'm tired. Tired of fighting because sometimes it feels like your grip is so firm that if I lost you, I would lose me too. A mental battle turned physical. You aren't just playing with my mind anymore you're playing with my life. Because Anxiety you are all I hear. I'm done trying to find peace in panic, security with a blade, or happiness in the darkness. I want to be free. I want to be me.