a letter to my anxiety

 Dear anxiety,

When they ask me what my biggest fear is,

I lie.

For I cannot expose you.

So I will say my biggest fear is the ocean or 

Being in water where i cannot see below me 

Or even dying alone.

But none of those are true

Yes they are fears but they are not my biggest

My biggest fear is you.

My biggest fear is my anxiety eating me alive.

You are my nemesis.

My tormentor, my torture. 

You are the little voice inside my head getting

Me to do bad, bad things to myself. 

You tell me we are one. We are the same. But I am not you 

I will never hurt a child the way you hurt many. 

I will never tell a young girl she is unloved 

Or ugly

Or fat

Or worthless in the way that you have

I will never tell her to carve terrible bloody wounds into her wrists 

Or hold a flame to her thigh

Till she has burned herself so badly the pain goes out like a light 

And the nerves are dead

 just like she should be.

I don't know why I listen to you

When you tell me to force whatever I ate that day out of me 

Or tell me to find a newer sharper pencil sharpener to cut myself open with

Or when you tell me the only form of love I will ever feel 

Is what you give to me. 

Why do I listen to you?

I am afraid of you taking over my mind 

I am afraid of the dark and twisted reality I am living in

I know that it's all in my head

I know that none of this is real 

But it sure does feel like you're standing right in front of me

Taking everything from me

Stealing my voice, gouging out my eyes, eating away at the lining of my stomach

Turning my bones into jello, and my hair to dust.

Destroying 

Destroying every part of me that you can possibly get to.

Enough.

I have had enough. 

This is my body. It does not belong to you.

You are just a feeling. And I will rise above.

Above this. Above you. Above my thoughts. Above my pain. Above it all. 

I will survive.

I will love me.

And I will not let go.

Sincerely,

Hayden.