a letter to my father

To the stranger I refer to as my biological father,

I’m sorry I was never good enough for you.

I’m sorry I could never be the son you wanted.

Sports, girls did not fill my head-

Makeup, clothes, shoes filled my bag.

I tried to be the man you thought I should,

But truthfully it was not who I was meant to be.

To the mother who raised me,

Thank you for supporting me.

I know your wage didn’t pay

And the forty hours weren’t worth it.

I'm sorry the bills were yours alone

And you did the work of two.

Somehow

you still made life seem pretty great

And I wouldn’t want anything more.

To the sexuality I never wanted to embrace,

I’m sorry I shut you out

When freedom did not rain.

I’m glad I finally opened the door

To the crop tops and shoes I wore

I would have drowned in all that water.

To my home,

I miss you dearly-

The old Virginia country roads.

I miss you the most.

But wicked memories haunt my head

Of the day where my life changed.

When the sirens rang through my head

And my sisters all huddled on the floor,

Soaking in the tears which fell from their souls,

And the man who hurt me

Finally left.

To my grades,

I’m sorry I let you down.

Life took a drastic turn

That left me broken on the floor

With no one to hold me.

The move was so painful

It didn't feel right.

Even though I escaped the wicked past

Somehow I still felt so alone.

But I built myself back up

And made the Cs turn to Bs.

To my sister,

I’ll never forget that night

The night where the rain fell hard

And the gray sky was full of thunder.

We both said we were gay.

I always thought I was alone

But now I wasn’t.

To my “new” home,

You may not be my favorite,

But you put a roof over my head

And protect my family.

That’s all I ever needed.

To my “father”,

I know you’re not my Dad

But I do think of you as one.

I’m not always the best

And I fail to show how I really feel

But I do love you.

Thank you for making me feel safe.

To Bryce,

I know I’ve let you down in the past.

When my head took control

And I listened to the demons in my soul

Who told you how worthless

They truly thought you were.

They made the blade go across your arm.

But it’s been three years

Since you hurt yourself.

I’m glad you were able to heal.

To the stranger I refer to as my biological father,

Your words hurt.

But your choice to love the drink

Instead of your own kids

Hurt us most of all.

I am doing so well without you.

Thank you for leaving.

Thank you for letting me be the son I want to be

And the man I know I should.