A Letter To My First Love

Dear Nik,

 

Do you remember me?

Do you recognize me?

 

Sometimes I wonder

If you still think about me

The way that I

Still think about you

 

Do you remember

How we first met

The first friendship

To start a whole group

 

It was just the two of us

At first

Then we brought them in

To make seven

 

We were so young

And so fragile too

I had never felt

A friendship so true

 

Having already lost

Far too much

I didn't want to lose

That precious gift

 

Then you threatened

That precious gift

When you decided

To confess to me

 

I had already known

Since the very start

The way that you

Felt about me

 

I kept it hidden

Pretended to be

Undoubtedly oblivious

For both our sakes

 

When the walls

Came crashing down

I shoved my love

For you away

 

The rejection I

Bestowed on you

Was out of fear

For the loss of what we already had

 

As painful as it was

It worked

 

Our friendship

Stayed alive

 

You found

Someone new

To love

 

And the fire

That burned

Within me

Proved

I

Was

 

Wrong.

 

Nonetheless I

Refused to

Let it out

 

And eventually

You lost her

And all was well

 

Meanwhile life

Decided to catch up

With us all

 

And our favorite

People left us

One by one

 

When it came

Down to four

I thought the

Purge was over

 

But it wasn't

 

You lied

 

You lied to us all

 

You lied to me

 

You thought you

Were protecting yourself

 

You thought you

Did the right thing

 

You thought you

Could get away with it

 

You thought you

Wouldn't pay the price

 

You thought you

Could keep hiding the truth

 

You thought they

Would trust you

 

You thought I

Would trust you

 

And for

All the

Godforsaken

Lost ones

You fucking joined the list

They all left and you were shunned

And god damn it I wanted you to stay!

 

I wanted you to stay.

 

Please.

 

Don’t leave.

 

Is what I wanted to say.

 

But it was you

Or them

And I chose wisely.

 

I haven’t heard from you since then

It has been a long time

And I have missed you many times

 

I hope you found yourself

I hope you’re happy in your own skin

I hope you’re surrounded by love and support

 

I hope you know that I forgive you

 

Sometimes I wonder if

You would still be with me

If I told you the truth

 

If I told you how I loved you

 

Maybe then things would be different

Maybe then you wouldn’t have lied

Maybe then I would still know you

Maybe then I wouldn’t be lonely

 

You were my best and closest friend

And I loved you

In a way that I had never loved anyone before

Thank you, for being my friend.

I will never forget you.

 

Love,

Awcey

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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