A letter to the Phoenix

A letter to the Phoenix 

By: Jenari Mitchell
 

I was teaching Black kids this summer 

but I actually learned more than I taught 

watching my students fight the same battles I fought
 

I saw myself in all of you 

I saw the joy you’re still able to hold onto despite all of the obstacles put in place to destroy you

I saw your resilience 

as you overcame battles 

that should never be placed on children 

I saw your innocence 

in a world that labeled you a criminal 

before you even came into existence  

I saw the pain in your eyes 

even when you could look straight into mine 

and lie and say that you were fine 

or maybe you’re actually convinced that you are 

because in our community

when we try to discuss what’s mentally hard 

our parents respond with belts 

leaving us mentally and physically scarred 

I saw the bruises 

I heard the familiar excuses  

I remember falling down those same black leather steps 

that our parents wore to hold up their pants

running into those two poles attached to my father‘s chest 

the beat my stomach would make 

when there wasn’t enough food on my plate 

the looks the men gave

when my body started to form its shape 

the fear that made my heart stop 

every time I had to wait at a bus stop 

the way my ears popped

to the constant sounds of gunshots 

sitting in church wondering why my cousin was sleep in front of us 

Begging him to get up and give my aunt a hug 

so that she would stop crying so much 

He never did 

a couple funerals later, 

and I quickly learned the difference between a casket and a bed

I was teaching Black kids this summer 

but I actually learned more than I taught 

watching my students fight the same battles I fought 

It was like a flashback to my childhood experiences

that developed into all of these mental illnesses 

helping me understand why I felt like this  

all of our adverse childhood experiences 

that’s making us more resilient and 

my ace score is a 10 

right now, they’re probably at 5 

but soon their ACE score will match mine 

leaving them sitting in a corner crying 

looking up to the sky asking why 

and I could pretend to have answers 

but I’d just be lying 

because there’s no way to justify 

what‘s going on in our lives 

all I can do is promise to always be by your side 

and I’ll actually mean it 

because the people that said it to me ended up leaving 

Leaving me fighting with my demons 

who told me that my wrists would look better bleeding 

and those pills would make me feel better if I just eat them 

and my pain would stop 

if I just ran up those steps to the rooftop 

maybe my body would hit the ground hard enough 

to wake all of my friends up 

I was 6 ft deep in my sorrows 

hoping I didn’t wake up to see tomorrow 

But I’m still here 

I had to pull myself out of a hole that I didn’t even dig 

but I’m slowly climbing back up to the top getting better 

educating myself so that I could help you put together the pieces to build your own ladder

Your life will be a hard battle to climb 

but I’ll put together the pieces to try to make it a little less harder than mine 

so that if you reach that point where you feel like dying 

You’ll feel safe to pick up your phone and start dialing 

And I’ll run to you and hold you in my arms until you stop crying 

and I’ll promise to never let go until you’re able to live 

rather than just surviving.