Dear newlywed Snow White, now Mrs. Charming,

 

I know I should be off working right now. I will as soon as this is done.

First off, I should probably introduce myself.

Because if you are like anyone else you’ve probably never noticed me.

Everyone know my 7 brothers,

Happy

Grumpy

Sleepy

Doc (Still don’t know why mom named him that)

Bashful

Sneezy

Dopey.

But everybody forgets the 8^th brother: me.

Hi. I’m Steve.

The reason you’ve never heard of me,

Seen me,

Or in any other way acknowledged my existence is because you only notice people who sing while they work.

You notice my brothers endlessly picking away at the veins of the earth.

So why would you have time to notice me?

Endlessly picking away at the veins of my wrists.

Wow, that was really dark… and oddly poetic.

Anyway, congratulations on your recent marriage to you Prince Charming!

I hope he brings you endless happiness and… love.

Love that I probably couldn’t have given you anyways.

So here’s ten reasons why we would have never worked out.

Or at least the reasons I’m telling myself: to make this hurt a little less.

One: You are too damn beautiful.

Not just too beautiful for me, although that fact is true, but too beautiful for anyone.

Why do people wonder why you were knocked out?

I think it’s pretty obvious.

You were clearly beat to an unconscious state by the freaking beauty stick  and it came back for seconds.

I cant believe in a god because there is no way to believe that a single being could have imagined all of your beauty.

The only reason we could be together logically would be so I could dull down your looks so others could look at you without going blind from your dazzling beauty.

You are too beautiful like,

 

Two: Too awkward of a pair.

You are so optimistic.

Always looking on the Brightside.

Finding the silver lining

Lining the hearts of all the men who lined your case to see your face and win the race to take their place besides you.

And then there’s me.

Constantly thinking and

Thinking and

Thinking

Thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking,

Blinking at you.

But only while you were sleeping.

I wouldn’t want my thoughts to wake you.

I don’t know how you avoided the tendrils of my thoughts.

But you did,

If not then this letter wouldn’t be necessary.

 

Three: You’re a vegetarian.

Im a meatetarian.

You elegantly spoon soup into your mouth.

I let the stew slurp through my lips.

You keep your pinky out to avoid bad manners.

I keep mine out to avoid losing it while I shovel fistfuls of food into my mouth.

Your napkin can be found neatly folded on your lap.

Mine…. I think I may have ate it by accident.

And pardon my crudeness

Or is the word lewdness?

Curse public education.

But I have wondered….

You’re a vegetarian

So you don’t eat meat but would you still like the bone?

I’m a dwarf, there’s not much there to begin with so could you compromise?

Shit I actually went there.

 

Four: While on the subject of physical contact.

How awkward would our hugs be?!

I mean I am head level with, not your boobs… which are perfect might I add,

But on the same plain as your…. Royal gardens?

I mean Princesses Plains!

Shit.. I mean…. Brazilian landing strip?

Or whatever it is you do down there with your…. Yeah.

But tell me is it clean or are you doing that “all natural” thing?

Because it’s really important that I know.

If the bushes aren’t hedged then I have to apologize ahead of time for our manes getting tangled.

And I don’t mean the rated “G”

Sing a song from the movie “Tangled” tangled.

I’m talking straight up my man jungle all kinds of braided up with your woman jungle badness!

To put this in perspective,

I got my beard tangled with Grumpy once,

Yes I tangled with Grumpy,

No pun intended.

It took all of the king’s horses and all of the king’s men to fix us.

No wonder Humpty didn’t get put back together again.

 

Five: Take a breath

Count to five.

Sorry, I got a little off track there.

I swear I’m not Crazy.

Mom sent him to the orphanage a while back,

Before your movie was even an idea.

 

Six: Screw this!

I know I’m not perfect, but who is?

I’m sure even Prince Charming has his flaws.

I know I cant sing, but for you I could carry a tune as gently as I would carry you down an aisle.

I know I’ve got small meaty hands, but these hands will work so hard for you that they’ll develop callouses forged in love,

And I’ll still have enough in me to get to those hard to reach knots in your back that normal hands couldn’t reach.

I know I’m not much to look at,

But love is blind!

You spent years with your eyes closed, let me open them up to a new kind of beauty.

I’ll never come riding up to you on a horse like a knight in shining armor,

Because I’m allergic to horses and the armor slides off.

Slides off like these words

Sliding off of your deaf ears,

Sliding off of my tears

Sliding off of wasted years.

All of those years waiting , waiting, waiting to tell you.

I may be small, but my love extends infinitely forever and always for you and only you.

I love you.

 

But it’s too late for all that now.

You’re married and off to a castle you go.

And so off to work I go.

Heigh ho.

Heigh ho.

Oh how I love you so.