A Letter To You & Me & Whoever Else

Dear Xx,

Let me tell you about the most painful period of my life... so far...

The most painful period of my life… so far…

October 29th. The condom broke.

I jinxed it. I knew I did. I always do.

I took one look at you & I knew I couldn't have your baby.

You immediately said, “don't worry I'll pay for it”

It being the pill, the plan b, the morning after pill.

I felt conflicted.

My body has literally been aching for a baby.

“Okay” I said. “Do you need me to call you an uber?”

The next day, I waited, hoping you would offer to buy the pill

so I wouldn't have to. You didn't. So I walked into town and did it myself,

in my español quebrado.

I could feel it working inside of me.

I could feel my uterus trying to fight it.

I could feel my brain and body in debate & battle.

I looked at my body everyday searching for any signs the pill wasn't working.

I looked up symptoms & calendars.

I smoked & drank hoping if the pill didn't work I'd have access to a safe abortion.

I try to suppress my cravings, my cramps, my terrible mood swings.

Finally, November 11th (a historically lucky day for me)

I get my period. I'm flustered with immediate relief.

Now begins the most painful period of my life. So far.

The cramps, the blood clots, the mood swings, the dizzy spells.

They're all the most intense they've ever been.

Every part of me aches for a child. Just not yours.

And I can't help but think about you.

Not the you I broke a condom with, but the you back home.

The you I said I wouldn't miss, but now I do.

The you I spent hours sleepily kissing in my college dorm room.

The “Hey beautiful” you.

The “I hope this isn't weird but I miss you” you.

The “Youre so sexy I think about you all the time” you

And I can't help but think,

If I broke a condom with you,

Would I abort it too?

With love,

Xxxxxx