The letter you never read

Dear Dad,

I'm sorry. I have written letters and texts time and time again.

The day I finally pulled it together, you were already gone,

never to read 

never to feel

never to know

that I loved you 

that I missed you

that I didn't want you to die believing I would never speak to you again.

But you did.

1 year

4 months

and 14 days

I missed out on

we never spoke in this time.

You tried a few times;

I declined.

Why?

Why did I take love for granted.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry dad.

I do love you.

I do miss you

I wanted to talk to you despite our past.

Now who's going to walk me down the aisle?

How will I tell my kids what I did?

And this is all I think about

Sitting here in bed.

A mere 2 months since you passed

since I got the text

since I truly questioned why I say

everything happens for a reason.

I just wanted to say that dad. 

I know that letter came to your mailbox the day after you passed.

An unopened

forever sealed

pouring out of my heart

letter.

I felt nothing else would have been good enough

All the letters and texts I wrote before 

I thought weren't good enough.

But now you stay in a black box

never to know

that I 

messed up.

We both messed up.

I try to tell myself I really shouldn't of talked to you.

You would drive with me in the car high

you didn't show up to my games, my performances, my parties.

You put me through hell with your abuse,

but I still loved you

I still love you.

So maybe we needed a break from seeing each other.

But this is not what I wanted.

This is not what I imagined.

But it is what it is.

Maybe Dad,

you'll know I wrote this

you'll know all the tears I've cried

all the sadness

all the anger

alll the confusion.

And I just hope Dad,

you know how I felt and still feel today.

You'll know Dad,

That I love you

I watch your videos

And I miss you

Love,

                 Your daughter who experienced her first real regret