Letters to You

I have a theory.

Since I’ve left

               You,

You have contacted me

Once a week,

At least.

Mother and I

Make bets on which day.

Sometimes, it’s as a friend.

Others,

You choose to accuse me

Of every wrong in the world,

Smash my sanity

Into the concrete,

And yank on my heartstrings

To the point

               They break.

But each time,

               I let you.

So, like a dog

Who doesn’t know

Right from wrong,

You howl at the moon

At two am,

Waking up everybody

In this goddamn neighborhood.

Doesn’t matter to

               You.

I still come outside to

               Let you in.

Regardless of whether

I scream or pull you in

By your collar,

               You smile.

You’ve gotten what you

               Wanted.

I’ve just boarded a plane

Taking me from

Honolulu to Austin.

Not direct, of course.

I stopped in San Francisco.

Everyone around me is

Tired.

The white noise of the jets

Lulls us to sleep,

Much like infants

In a mother’s arms.

In this capsule of peace,

I don’t think of you.

I think of the man

I fell

               In love

With.

Selfless.

He drove up to UT

Just to spend a meager

Twenty minutes with me

At lunch.

I felt guilty.

He told me

               I was worth it.

               Kind.

He discovered

His youngest cousin

Had sprained her ankle

In the water slide.

He carried her back inside,

Never left her,

Made sure she was alright.

She laughed.

There were no tears because

Her idol had

Saved her.

Gentle.

On our way back

From his family in Dallas,

I pretended to be asleep,

My head curled up

On a pillow

Next to his lap.

He stroked my hair

As if I were a

               Priceless jewel.

In these moments,

               Few and far between,

I look for clues.

Anything that would

Get me back to

The man I love.

               I can’t find him.

Especially

               Not in you.

The man I love

Would never demand

That I do or say anything.

The man I love

Would never say anything

Simply out of spite.

               The man I love

Would care enough about me

To respect my decision.

So what happened with you?

When did my

               Feelings and opinions

Stop mattering

To you?

Was it when I refused

To send nudes?

Was it when I talked with

My best friend more than you?

Or did you care at all?

You sobbed like a toddler

Because I didn’t want

To see one movie with you.

I didn’t say

You couldn’t see it.

I didn’t say

It was stupid.

I said I didn’t like

Horror films.

You told me that

               I didn’t care enough

               About you.

Bullshit.

You didn’t care about

               Me.

I told you that

I didn’t like watching violence.

You proceeded to show me

The bloodiest things

You could find.

I cringed.

               You laughed.

In passing, I said

“all genders”

Instead of

“both genders.”

You proceeded to yell at me

That there was no such thing

As a third gender.

You demanded that I correct myself,

That I apologize and say

“both” instead of “all.”

Excuse me for being educated.

You wanted to show me

A movie clip you liked.

I told you I had

Six different essays to write.

You showed me anyway.

Turned out to be a church massacre.

You knew that I was a Christian.

I was almost in tears.

I stopped watching halfway through.

You were so upset

You pretended to storm off.

Then, you made me finish watching it.

               I cried on the way home.

You still don’t understand

How it could’ve possibly upset me.

Are my morals

Funny?

Do you find my fears

Silly?

You exercised no caution

When handling my heart.

You tested how far

I would let you

Tug the leash,

And like a

Slave in bondage,

I let you pull me

In all directions,

Ripping at my flesh,

Breaking my bones,

Draining my strength.

You are manipulative.

You are selfish.

You are mean.

You are

               Unstable.

How did he become you?

I succumbed to

Your soft touch,

Warm body,

And apologetic eyes.

Only now do I see

How empty your apologies were.

I thought the light that

Blinded me was your love.

I know now that it was

Mine,

attempting to

Blot out your flaws.

In eight short months,

I lost someone very dear to me.

I’d rather he be dead

Than transformed into

The monster

You’ve become.

Seeing you wear

The body of him

               Disturbs me.

Yet,

You expect an apology

               From me

For how I have treated you.

So, let me begin.

               I’m sorry I was too patient.

               I should’ve seen the signs.

I’m sorry I was too sympathetic.

I should’ve taught you better.

I’m sorry I told you that you were smart.

I should’ve told you the truth.

I’m sorry I let you get too close.

I should’ve left a long time ago.

I have an

Excellent memory.

No apologies

Or flowers

Will ever erase

What you’ve done to me.

So here we are.

You, still clutching our

Happy memories to your chest.

And me, lighting them on fire.

You think you’re being

               Subtle.

As if stalking

My English classroom,

As if saying

               “I had to go to the bathroom,”

               “I had a project,”

Is foolproof.

I was always the smart one.

Have you

               Forgotten?

You took the story

Beauty and the Beast

To a different dimension.

I tried to fix you.

You made it worse.

What happened to

“we should see other people?”

Sure, you went out with

The girl I hated from the start.

Looks like you’re taking

Two girls

To prom.

But I can’t help but

Pity them.

Because you still

Miss me.

You don’t care

               About them.

You’re using them

Mercilessly,

Just like you used me.