Life in a Choice

I fear myself for the way I live,

For the fucks I give,

For the way I wreck the car, expecting to end up broken,

Finding solace in the way I did,

The feeling of my fingers along the cracks,

Feeling the space that I have left,

Empty of things like love,

Integrity,

And faith.

I fear myself for the way I hide,

For the time I bide,

For the way I refuse to show someone, expecting to end up burnt,

Finding solace in my freezing heart,

The feeling of the ice traveling through every vein,

Feeling only numbness that can’t escape,

Only losing things like control,

purpose,

Life.

I fear myself for the ease in which I choose to bleed,

The ease in which I choose to give up everything

That is supposed to mean anything.

It’s easy, isn’t it?

To succumb to the fear?

To embrace it?

I let it take over my life,

Constantly losing myself in its icy waters,

I choose to drown in it.

It creeps up on you,

To the point where I would have to

Reach inside my veins just to know that

My heart was still beating.

I’d have to let all the hatred bleed out of me

In order to know that I was once whole.

That I am destined

To handle this fear

Alone.

I fear myself for the way I would choose the knife over the flame,

How I would open a vein and watch the light fade away,

Watch it all fade away. Like I was never even here.

But that’s the question I truly fear-

Should I end my life here?

Or do I choose to fight this fear?

Choose to fight the cracks,

The ice, the knife.

Choose to fight myself.

.

I want to end this goddamn thing,

Myself,

Let the water corrupt my lungs,

Let the cracks expand,

Fade away to nothing.

But much like myself,

Fear is a liar.

Fear isn’t real.

It’s a glitch of perspective,

A thorn in the side of someone wanting life.

There isn’t one answer on how the hell to deal with it-

Only the realization that I don’t know anything at all,

That explanations aren’t necessary for understanding,

That strength only exists in those seen as weak.

We are all so fucking weak.

But we are strong to have survived what we have suffered.

I am strong to survive what I have suffered.

And in doing so, I cut out the fear, and replace it-

Replace it with love,

Integrity,

And faith.