Life in a letter

Dear the past, i don’t know how to explain this clearly. It will always be stuck with me forever.  The past can’t be changed but can be silent and forgotten about, like how the earth spins around the sun you don’t feel it but the earth does. But this feeling and problem is different. I was stupid back then and i’m sorry i had to make you look bad. It makes me feel like i’m a monster; crawling under your skin for more. How could i be so stubborn? Tears come down my face cause i think of you. Where was the positivity? The hope, the wall that could have blocked me from entering the dark path of this reality that we live in. I guess it was testing me and i was too dumb to even realize that i was being used like a little boys toy. Over and over again. Oh could this happen. You made everyone put dirt on my name like i have committed a crime of some sort. I had to change, but it still haunts me till this day. I even feel like i am not myself. I felt so ickey and disgusted. I let the people talk and talk until i  stepped up but people will always think of me negatively. These humans will always have something against you but why talk about something that happened 3 years ago. That was old news. If you don’t have something severe or recent then don’t speak at all. Cause clearly you just love to talk and talk.. I stare in the mirror i say to myself is this who you want to be.? I punch the walls but i feel bad for hurting their creation that saves me from the outside world but when my anger kicks in there is no going back. It piles up like pills and knifes ruining your body . Coming back and forth not knowing what to do. I learn and get lectured over and over again. My own neighbors talking shit that i got raped, rape is a crime and very serious. It’s pathetic how people just say false statements like it’s cruel and disloyal. Little do these people know that god watches every single move you do, every single breath you take, god can take that away within seconds. This pain in my stomach isn’t butterflies nor aches. It’s sad to say that i’m not playing around. Nor messing with your head. I'm guessing you’re in bed relaxing, while i suffer. This pain can be described in so many ways, you won’t even think about it. But in a blink of an eye, and a drink of a liquid everything can vanish right then and there. Stress comes upon me and dawn comes incontact with today. My mood is grey. As i was saying my stomach has a cut inside of it, may you wanna know what caused it? No jokes, no i am not smoking anything, nor am i choking on my own breath, it can lead me to my death. The cause of this is stress. Stress took over my body and now i face the consequences. I have sadly received. Frequent hospital visits, doing procedures on my body to see what’s wrong with me, it took about 6 months to realize that i have an ulcer. I thought it was just muscle spasm, i guess i was wrong. Taking a deep breath in, knowing my oxygen is wheezing, and became weak. Slowly throughout the days and nights that i’m living upon. Another thing that hits me dearly is my parents. You may guess why but they are not together anymore any less. It ruined my childhood. I didn’t experience the family get togethers, vacations, the laughs, the trips, everything you can think of. On top of that my dads family still talk about my mom in a negative way. Those pigs will never be as amazing as my mother. I just was broken in my childhood, yelling and screaming at me. Forcing me to do things no kid should ever be told to do. I prayed i cried i closed my eyes. Feared that it could be the end for me. I still cry till this day not having a normal life and a normal family that every child needs. Some kids have no parents, some are gone some are dead. It kind of feels like i’m going to a jail just to make a visit to my loved one. Just writing this letter/ poem. Makes me cry and breath heavily. This is what god wants. Life isn’t fair as they all say. And i had to go with the flow. It was like a abit or a life routine. Doing it over and over again. What can i say? I just got used to it. But i have my times where i just can’t take it anymore. Oh past you cant be changed  nor stopped but it’s time to move on now. Hope the future of this long road ahead of me does me justice. And if i were to get married and have children. On my oath i am going to give them everything i didn’t have in my life. They will thank me later for that. Farewell now