Life In A Letter

Dear The LGBTQ+ Community,

May 2, 2014. The big day.

Ever since I had my big epiphany, I dreaded the day I had to tell my parents.

That one night, out by the fire on the deck,

illuminating my face filled with fear.

Under the pollution in the sky, the ringing of police sirens in my ear,

and just the cruel reality of the world crashing down on my shoulders.

Upheaval brewing, waiting for the right moment to collapse over me.

Why was I so abashed that I couldn’t say the words.

Millions of scenarios playing through my head,

All of them ending in calamity.

My parents always told me its ok.

It’s ok to be different, in fact, they said it was better to stand out.

What I stand out for though, I was ashamed of it.

I knew that what made me different would get me bullied.

What made me different made me less.

What made me different set me back from others.

What made me different made me evil.

Voice cracked, hands shaking, avoiding eye contact at all cost,

I very carefully articulated the words that I said next.

“I think, I think I like girls. I’m telling you this not because I prefer trucks over barbies, or a shirt over a dress, or even because it’s something you need to know.

I’m telling you because

I’m afraid if I keep it inside anymore,

I’m going to do something I regret.”

I was a thirteen year old,

already trying to save me from myself.

Thirteen years old, and I knew if I kept those thought in my head, I was going to hurt myself.

I was going to let society win.

I was letting all the prejudice, bigotry, and hatred in the world win

by it taking my happiness from me.

My fear of society made me shut people out from my life.

I stopped talking to friends, I thought about every word I said before I said it

I tried dressing the way society wanted me to, acting how it wanted me too.

To make others happy.

I stopped smiling.

And that is not ok.

After I had said everything I needed to say to my parents, I looked up from the ground and into their eyes. I was prepared for the worst.

Because no matter how many times they told me it was ok to be different,

Society told me it was the biggest sin of all, and I let that ring around in my head over everything.

Sitting up straight now, looking right at them. I was ready.

“We know Karissa. And it’s ok.”

Astounded by that reaction, I was actually caught off guard.

No lectures about how it’s a phase?

No lines quoted from the bible?

Nothing that has one to many times been shoved down my throat

to make the guilt amble under my skin?

It was that moment I realized, what made me different didn’t make me less.

What made me different made me more.

What made me different made me better.

What made me different made me whole.

For the first time, I felt like me.

In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take.

I guess, life is funny like that.

In order for me to live my best life, I had to face my biggest fear.

And when it comes to learning your lesson,

That’s the best one life could have taught me.

Sincerely,

Karissa M. Gaughan