Life or Death

I count down the seconds with bated breath.
Three...
Two...
One...

A car engine roars to life,
Crunching gravel as it pulls out.
My mother leaving for groceries,
Leaving me alone.

My feet move of their own volition,
Traveling to a place even my mind doesn't know.
But my heart does,
And it's terrified.

My hand finds itself hovering over an open drawer,
Flitting over the knives.
My mind does not note the action,
But my heart does.

My fingers wrap themselves around the cold metal,
Balancing it until it feels comfortable.
And, finally,
My mind registers the weight.

My heart and mind finally connect,
Long lost friends who reacquaint themselves
First with the pleasantries of the past,
Then with the sorrows of today.

What was once balanced now sways,
Unsteady on a path that had appeared immovable.
The knife returns to its hiding place,
Its purpose retained solely to butcher food.

My body retreats to my bedroom,
Locking the event behind its closed door.
No one will know.
Until now.

My phone dings the next morning,
Bringing somber news with the sunrise.
"Did you hear about Jordan?"
The memorial is Wednesday.

My unified heart and mind ring,
Sending the same message coursing through my veins.
"That could have been you."
"That would have been you."

No child should have to choose
Between life or death,
Whether to fulfill the rest of their life,
Or end it before it had truly begun..

I chose hope, to give life another chance.
At the exact same moment, my friend chose death.
As the sun sank on the last day of Jordan Matthews' existence.
My childhood set with it.