A Lifetime of Pain

 “A Lifetime of Pain”

 

I remember it was raining.

 

Yes, it was raining

Quite hard, actually.

Water pounded against glass windows

The sound reverberating against the empty halls.

 

 

I remember we were in a hospital.

 

White, sanitary floors

Vivid murals plastered on the walls.

They sickened me,

Trying to paint a happy picture

Knowing there was pain in everyone's hearts.

 

 

I remember we heard a distant scream.

 

I stood,

Alarmed

Nurses chattered on and on

Ignoring it.

And when they finally finished gossiping,

One of them lazily stood

Holding pain relievers for the poor patient.

Only getting up

After losing to rock-paper-scissors with the other nurses.

 

 

I remember being ushered to her room.

 

She lay atop a tower of pillows

Sweat beads glinting off her forehead

Taking quick pants of air

Eyes closed.

I swallowed

And lied.

“You look great.”

 

 

I remember she laughed.

 

It came out like a distorted croak.

“I know I look a mess.”

I didn't answer.

 

I remember holding her hand through most of it.

 

She screamed

And twisted

And turned

And I'd squeeze harder

Not knowing what

Would make the pain

Go.

 

 

I remember the end.

 

Those last, choking moments

Family surrounding us

Her breaths slow and ragged

Willing her lungs to work.

I could almost feel when she decided to give up.

 

 

I remember what she said.

 

“Just...don't be too sad when...”

I bit my lip, feeling my eyes water.

“Stop,”

I whispered.

 

 

I remember it all.

 

Her last breath still in the air

As everyone else held theirs

And no one said a word.

Her eyes had closed

Forever

And that was it.

 

 

I remember our disbelief.

 

The women sobbed

And the men were shocked

And the elderly screamed.

And I

Was the only one

Who knew.

 

 

I remember the miracle.

 

Suddenly

The winds!

The thunder!

The lightning!

All of it – !

Stopped.

And the rain slowed to soft pitter-patter

And the air turned cool.

And the world became gentle for just a moment

To welcome her new daughter.

The one she'd never meet.

 

 

I remember how everything faded away.

 

All I saw was this baby.

This baby who had

Unknowingly

Killed her mother

And would cause me a

lifetime of pain.

And as I glared at those soft curls

And those delicate

fingers

And those tiny

feet

And those blinking

eyes

I could only process

one

thought.

 

“She's beautiful.”

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741